L1Mac
Another big night, fellas $ 164.
L3Mac
That's not a lot of money.
L5Mac
And our mortgage is due in two weeks.
L6Dennis
We paid that a week ago.
L7Mac
A week ago was three weeks late, Mac.
L9Dee
I met this guy in acting class.
L10Dee
He's really cool, and he wants to see where I work.
L11Dee
So could you guys try to not be weird?
L12Dennis
What is that supposed to mean?
L13Dee
I love you guys, but sometimes you're not that cool.
L17Dee
Sometimes you're not too cool.
L19Charlie
Always cool, man.
L20Dennis
Oh, hey, man, we're closed.
L22Mac
Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don't want any trouble.
L23Dee
What? Guys, this is Terrell from my acting class.
L28Terrell
It's going good.
L31Charlie
We're just chillin', dude.
L33Dennis
Just closing up shop.
L36Terrell
Guess you guys don't have too many brothers walking through here.
L38Mac
We got plenty of brothers.
L39Dennis
Yeah A-African-Americans.
L42Dennis
You might know some of them.
L44Charlie
We're probably related.
L46Dee
I don't think he was implying that you guys are all related.
L47Dennis
That's ridiculous.
L48Mac
Sweet Dee came in here a second ago and started talking about acting class.
L49Dennis
We weren't expecting you
L50Mac
We weren't expecting you to be black, that's all.
L53Terrell
When I'm promotin', everybody and their mama gonna be there.
L54Terrell
There's gonna be brothers, white boys, Latinos, whatever.
L55Terrell
You got niggas hanging from the rafters.
L56Mac
So we got 400-plus packed into this tiny little place Whoa.
L57Terrell
You had 400 people packed into a place? You damn right.
L58Terrell
That's my job, man.
L59Terrell
And it's mostly college kids.
L60Terrell
My sister goes to Temple, so I got the hookup over there.
L61Dennis
And hookups are good.
L62Dennis
But, just to be clear, when you say your sister, do you mean your sister or your friend
L65Terrell
I mean my sister.
L69Dennis
I was just Because he could mean his friend or his Stop talking.
L70Terrell
So we're packed into this little place on Walnut.
L71Mac
We're halfway through the night, everything's goin' all right.
L72Mac
All of a sudden, I notice this dude eyeballin' me from across the bar.
L74Mac
I don't know if this dude wants to freak me or fight me.
L75Dennis
He's giving you crazy eyes.
L76Dennis
The insane, crazy eyes.
L79Mac
So I walk over He's this big, cut Mexican dude and I look at him and say, "Yo, ese unless you want to get yo' ass torn apart you'd better get that look off your face.
L82Mac
You just walked right up to him and said that? I had to, man.
L83Mac
You gotta make the first move.
L84Mac
Always make the first move.
L85Mac
You know what I'm sayin'?
L88Mac
Well, hey, he won't stop starin' me down.
L89Mac
We're, like, eyeball to eyeball.
L90Mac
His grill is right up in mine.
L91Mac
It feels like an eternity.
L92Mac
Finally he just opens up his mouth and says "I guess you gon' have to tear my ass apart, homes.
L94Dee
So what'd you do? Took him to the back alley and I tore his ass apart! Oh, my God! That's insane! Okay, I would like to do things like that.
L95Dennis
I love that guy.
L96Dennis
"I took him to the back alley"?
L97Dennis
Who does shit like that? It's like a movie.
L98Dennis
There's something off about him.
L99Charlie
Oh, bro, that's racist.
L100Dennis
No, asshole, that's not what I meant.
L101Charlie
I'll go get the coffee.
L102Charlie
What do you guys want?
L104Mac
Okay? Wait till the waitress comes out here, and then you can stare at her.
L105Charlie
I wasn't gonna stare at her.
L106Charlie
I was just gonna
L107Mac
He wasn't gonna stare at her.
L108Dennis
You're totally obsessed with that chick.
L111Charlie
I have a little bit of a crush, yes.
L112Charlie
But obsessed? That's a bit of a harsh word.
L113Dennis
It's never gonna happen.
L114Dennis
Honestly, I think we should think about hiring Terrell.
L117Dennis
When he's promotin', everybody named Mama's looking to get in.
L119Dennis
They do have "niggers hanging from rafters.
L123Dennis
No, that's not what I was saying.
L127Dennis
No, I'm not I'm not Adolf Hitler.
L128Charlie
I'll make sure to put lots of cream in yours.
L129Dennis
I was quoting a black friend.
L131Dennis
Well, that's just great.
L132Dennis
Now she thinks I'm racist.
L133Mac
Dude, will you just drop it? Listen, ifTerrell delivers half of what he promises, we're looking at 200 people.
L134Dennis
Yeah, that's true.
L135Mac
It'd be nice to get some chicks in the bar.
L136Dennis
All right, let's do it.
L137Dennis
Sure about this?
L138Dennis
It's 2005, Charlie.
L139Dennis
Don't you think it's ridiculous that you have no friends outside of your own race?
L140Charlie
No, what is ridiculous is this stupid plan.
L141Charlie
It's not stupid!
L142Dennis
It's a stupid plan.
L143Charlie
It's not This is a college campus.
L144Dennis
This is a great place to meet people of different cultures, diversify You're just trying to make black Mm-hmm.
L145Dennis
You're trying to make black friends.
L146Dennis
You're not making it easy.
L147Dennis
You're trying to impress Terrell with a couple of black friends.
L148Dee
Don't do this right now.
L150Dennis
See? This is exactly what I'm talking about.
L151Dennis
This is perfect.
L154Charlie
I'm gonna break the ice.
L156Charlie
'Bout to bust that shit up, Reese.
L157Charlie
'Bout to bust that shit up, boy! Absolutely.
L158Charlie
Okay, that didn't go exactly the way
L161Dennis
It was really awkward.
L163Dee
Maybe we should go.
L165Janell
Hey, what's your name?
L167Charlie
It's, uh, Charlie.
L168Janell
Do you play bones, Charlie? I dabble.
L169Janell
Do you want to play? I could get you a game.
L170Charlie
Uh, no, I shouldn't.
L171Charlie
I'm not very good, so
L172Janell
I bet you're really good.
L173Charlie
Well, it's been a long time, you know.
L177Charlie
Domino, bitch! This is bullshit.
L178Dennis
Absolute bullshit.
L179Dennis
Why do these people like you more than they like me?
L180Dee
Maybe it's comments like that.
L181Dennis
I meant those people in there, not all black people.
L182Dee
What am I supposed to say? You should say something different.
L183Dennis
Figure something else out.
L186Janell
Um, I'm Janell.
L188Janell
Uh, you got some moves out there, Charlie.
L191Janell
I wanted to give you this.
L195Janell
Give me a call sometime.
L200Dennis
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing, dude?
L201Charlie
What? That girl's gorgeous.
L202Charlie
She's the perfect opportunity to prove we're not racist.
L203Charlie
She probably has friends for me.
L204Dennis
Well, if anything, I think we should be focused on black men, first of all.
L205Charlie
What? We don't really need We need black guys, so
L206Dennis
Black guys? What are you talking about?
L208Dennis
Is this about that waitress at the coffee shop, dude?
L211Mac
Dude, you are obsessed with this chick.
L213Mac
Let me see your wallet.
L215Mac
Are you still carrying a picture of her in your wallet?
L218Mac
Give it Oh, my God! Stop making a scene! Just give me the wallet! Give me the wallet! I can't get the goddamn It's okay! It's okay, everybody!
L219Dennis
You're making a scene.
L220Mac
You're making a scene! I got it.
L221Dennis
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
L224Dennis
Give it to me! He had it! Okay! You found it!
L225Mac
I'm gonna tear it up!
L226Dennis
No, don't! Just give me it.
L227Mac
I'll call the black girl.
L228Dennis
Okay? Okay, buddy.
L234Dee
I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio which is really weird, because I've never even been to Ohio.
L235Dennis
This guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out You know what, Dee? I don't wanna hear about your dreams.
L236Dennis
Okay? I hate listening to people's dreams.
L237Dennis
It's like flipping through a stack of photographs.
L238Dennis
If I'm not in any of'em and nobody's having sex, I just I don't care.
L241Charlie
I would listen to your dreams.
L242Charlie
'Cause your my brother and I love you.
L245Dennis
Hey! What's goin' on, guys?
L248Terrell
Hey! What's up? What's up? How you doin'? Dennis! What's goin' on?
L249Dennis
All right, man.
L250Terrell
How's it goin', man? Good, man.
L251Terrell
Listen, um, you mind stepping outside with me for a second, man?
L252Dennis
Yeah, I'll come outside.
L257Mac
I'm gonna put these out on the tables.
L258Mac
Rule number one: Always keep a line.
L259Dee
Oh, my God! That is a lot of people! Wow!
L261Dennis
I know! I told you! Terrell's the best! I'm gonna have to start bartending full-time.
L263Dennis
Why are you making more money than me?
L265Dennis
Hey, this is crazy!
L267Dennis
Terrell packed 'em in.
L270Mac
Yeah, dude, we were just saying that.
L272Dennis
Yeah, there's a lot of dudes.
L274Waitress
What can I get you boys?
L275Mac
Oh, uh, we wanted to wait for the cute one.
L276Dennis
What cute one? Mac, isn't that your cousin Brett by the jukebox?
L281Dennis
Hey! How you doin'?
L282Mac
What's up, Brett? Can you believe this crowd?
L283Brett
Oh, it's something else!
L284Brett
Yeah! Gentlemen, I understand my services have been requested.
L285Dennis
I actually got a couple of services I'd like to request.
L286Brett
Whoa! Uh, what are you doin, man? I'm not
L287Dennis
You have the most beautiful eyes.
L288Brett
Okay, man, but I'm Really? So blue.
L289Brett
Really more of a blue-green, actually, but
L290Dennis
I'm really proud of you, man.
L292Dennis
You've come a long way.
L293Brett
What do you mean? You guys are running the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia.
L294Mac
No! What in the hell is your problem? How could you not tell me you were gay? I'm a musical theater actor living in Philadelphia.
L295Brett
I didn't think it was that big a secret.
L296Mac
I've been coming on to you for weeks now.
L297Brett
Just thought you were into gay dudes.
L298Mac
I am not into gay dudes!
L299Brett
Apparently you are.
L300Mac
Okay, well, you know what? The guys hired you to promote their bar, and you turned it into a gay bar.
L301Mac
They are not happy.
L303Dee
Whoo! Oh! So much money! We made more money in one night Th-Than in the entire time that we've owned this place! We have to embrace the situation.
L304Charlie
We should totally embrace the situation!
L305Dee
We're a gay bar from now on.
L306Mac
Absolutely, man! No goddamn way.
L307Dennis
Have you guys seen this? "Looking for that new hot spot to spot that stud? Well, Paddy's Irish Pub has plugged that hole.
L309Dee
That's a nice notice.
L310Mac
No, it's not nice.
L311Mac
I don't want to be plugging anybody's holes.
L312Dennis
I'm gonna have to agree with Mac.
L313Dee
Of course you are.
L314Charlie
I made $300 last night.
L315Dee
How much did you make? First of all, that's rude.
L316Dennis
And that has nothing to do with what I'm talking about.
L317Dee
It has everything to do with it.
L318Dennis
I don't think we have much of a choice.
L319Dee
We need to do this.
L320Mac
If you guys remember, one of the major reasons we got this bar was to get laid.
L321Dennis
Maybe you did it to get laid.
L322Mac
I got a little something I like to call business ethics.
L323Dee
Business ethics? The only reason you don't care is you have black girls hanging all over you.
L324Dennis
Okay, chill out.
L325Dee
You're gonna screw it up.
L326Mac
Screw it up? I happen to have a date with a nice young lady today.
L328Dennis
It's a purely fiscal decision.
L330Dennis
You don't care about the money.
L331Dee
You just like the attention.
L332Dennis
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
L333Dee
"Everybody look at me!" You know exactly what I mean, pretty boy.
L334Charlie
Hey, handsome.
L338Dennis
I just get along really well with those guys.
L340Dee
No, you're leading them on.
L341Dee
You're not gay, you're just really vain.
L342Dennis
Okay, time out.
L343Dennis
Here's what we should do.
L344Dennis
Let's take a vote.
L347Dennis
All those in favor of Paddy's Pub remaining a gay bar, say "aye.
L352Dennis
K-K-Keeping in mind that you don't get a vote.
L354Dennis
Because you're the bartender.
L355Dennis
You're not one of the owners.
L356Mac
No, Sweet Dee gets a vote.
L357Dennis
No, she doesn't!
L358Dee
Of course I get a vote! All owners opposed, say "nay.
L359Dennis
" All people who own the bar who are opposed, say "nay.
L360Mac
" All people who own the bar who are opposed say "nay.
L362Mac
Two against one! Oh, well.
L363Dennis
Ohh! Paddy's Irish Pub will henceforth remain the hottest gay bar in Philadelphia.
L364Charlie
Hey-hey! What's going on?
L366Charlie
Look at you! You look good!
L368Charlie
That's so sweet.
L369Dee
So, where we going?
L370Charlie
Well, I thought we'd go grab a drink.
L371Dee
Oh, I want one so bad.
L372Charlie
All righty! Oh, a coffee shop.
L373Dee
I thought you meant, like, a drink at a bar.
L374Charlie
Yeah, absolutely.
L375Charlie
Uh, why don't you have a seat here.
L376Charlie
I'll go get the coffee.
L377Charlie
What would you like?
L378Dee
I don't really drink coffee.
L381Charlie
What do you want, Charlie? "What do you want, Charlie?" I'd like you to take a look at the lovely young African-American woman sitting at the table over there.
L383Charlie
That woman is my friend.
L386Charlie
So, the other day when you heard me saying something about certain people hanging from said rafters I was quoting a friend of mine who also happens What are you trying to say? Spit it out.
L387Dee
Well, now that you know that I'm not racist, you and I could maybe go on Dude, N-O.
L388Charlie
How many times do I have to say it to you?
L390Charlie
Apparently one time is not fine.
L391Dee
One time per time I ask you.
L392Mac
Hey, what's going on up here? Oh, not too much.
L393Dee
Charlie's using you to prove that he's not racist.
L394Dee
Then he asked me out on a date.
L395Charlie
Charlie, is this true? Would that upset you if it was something that was true?
L396Dee
You need to see a doctor.
L397Charlie
This thing looks really bad.
L400Charlie
He said thatJanell punched me in my eye! All right, well, you need to keep that i
L402Mac
Her name's Janell?
L404Charlie
JanellJenkins.
L405Charlie
She's got a hell of a right hand.
L406Charlie
She also said if she ever saw me again, she was going to slit my throat.
L407Dennis
Are you two seeing this? Boys are out tonight, huh? This is unbelievable.
L408Dennis
What is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you and this Mary here is the belle of the ball.
L409Dennis
Why do these people like you guys so much?
L410Mac
It's not that they like us.
L411Dennis
It's that they don't like you.
L412Mac
You know why? Uh, because you're an asshole! Is that true? Yeah, kind of.
L413Dennis
Can I talk to you in back for a second?
L415Dennis
You know that girlJanell? I know her.
L418Mac
So I think I know how we can solve this whole gay mess.
L420Mac
How? We gotta start with Dennis.
L421Dennis
Can you get him so drunk tonight? On tequila.
L422Dennis
But a lot of it.
L423Dennis
Enough that maybe he might hurt himself.
L427Dennis
Where are you going?
L428Dennis
I gotta talk to a couple friends from my acting class.
L429Dennis
But seriously blackout drunk.
L432Dennis
So you did the lime first, and then the shot, right? No.
L433Dennis
No, no, no, no.
L435Dennis
You take the salt
L437Dennis
And then you take the shot.
L439Dennis
And then you suck on the lime.
L442Mac
Why don't you show me again.
L443Mac
'Cause I'm getting a little bit confused.
L447Dennis
And then you slam it.
L448Mac
Yeah? Oh, that's great.
L449Mac
All right, so, I'm gonna do the shot first No, no, no, no Oh Oh, please, please, dude.
L450Dennis
You're not listening to me.
L451Mac
Well, I'm just not getting it, bro.
L452Dennis
You do the salt first.
L453Dennis
The salt first.
L454Dennis
And then the lime.
L455Mac
Show me again, because I'm not The salt first.
L463Mac
Whoa! What the hell! What is going on here? Relax, stud.
L464Dennis
You got nothing to be ashamed about.
L465Mac
What the f What does that mean?
L469Dennis
Don't be silly.
L470Dennis
It was all hands.
L471Dennis
How's that ass feelin'? I'm really glad you decided to embrace this.
L472Mac
You're doing the right thing, bro.
L473Dennis
I think so too, dude.
L474Dennis
I feel really good about broadening my horizons.
L475Mac
It's gonna be fun.
L476Dennis
It's a good business decision.
L477Mac
Yeah! I don't want to own a gay bar anymore.
L478Dennis
What, dude? Oh, no.
L479Mac
What happened? Just, uh I was doing some thinking and, you know We had our little experiment.
L481Mac
But we should go back to normal.
L483Dennis
You had an experiment, and you want to go back to the way it was before the experiment.
L486Mac
We had our experiment with the bar, and it was great.
L487Mac
Let's go back to normal.
L488Dennis
You're done experimenting? Or are you gonna experiment some more?
L489Dennis
What is this experimenting?
L490Dennis
Hey, Dennis! What's up? Listen, I got you some new CDs.
L491Dennis
'Cause the music you had in the jukebox was a little bit stale.
L492Dennis
Also, we gotta get rid of these shamrocks.
L493Dennis
'Cause nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap.
L494Dennis
Can we talk for a second in private?
L497Dennis
So, listen, Terrell, it's not really working out.
L498Dennis
We're gonna have to let you go.
L499Terrell
I thought you were happy.
L500Dennis
No, we were happy.
L501Dee
But then Dennis had an experiment, and he wants to go back to normal.
L502Dennis
Yeah, we had that experiment Why do you keep saying it like that? You guys are being ridiculous.
L503Mac
Yeah, we're being ridiculous! We're making a lot of money!
L505Dennis
Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!
L507Dennis
Whoa! Whoa! What are you doing here?
L509Dennis
What is going on here? You guys know each other? Yeah! That's the crazy bitch that punched me in my eye! Charlie! That's my sister.
L510Dennis
Now, just to clarify, when you say "sister," you mean I mean my sister.
L511Dennis
Yes! Okay! This is great! Because earlier you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related.
L512Dennis
And then it turns out that you people actually are! No, that's not what I meant.
L514Dennis
I meant that you two actually are.
L515Dee
Mac? Stop talkin'.
L516Mac
Hundred and 11, hundred and 12, hundred and 13 $114!
L517Mac
On a Saturday night!
L518Dennis
We're back to normal.
L519Mac
We are back to normal.
L521Dennis
Dee, I gotta know.
L522Dee
What, exactly, did you tell those guys from your acting class to do to Dennis? Oh, I forgot to tell you.
L523Dee
That didn't work out.
L525Dee
Yeah, I couldn't get ahold of those guys.
L526Dennis
Then why was he so freaked out? How's that ass feelin'?