L1Dennis
Yo, Charlie! It's Dennis!
L4Dennis
What's up, buddy? Hey, your face looks, uh, like, poofy.
L5Charlie
Uh Uh, yeah, I've been cryin' a little bit.
L7Dennis
Hey, do you have that basketball? Mac and I were about to go play in the park.
L13Dennis
Wow, dude! I thought my place looked like shit.
L16Dennis
What's wrong? You look, uh, hungover or something.
L18Charlie
Yeah, it's I found out I might have cancer, so ooh.
L20Charlie
Yeah, I found out I might have cancer.
L21Charlie
That's why I haven't been down to the bar recently.
L22Dennis
And, uh Jesus, dude.
L23Dennis
I don't know what to say.
L24Charlie
You don't have to say anything.
L25Charlie
Here, check these pamphlets out.
L26Charlie
They go over cancer, cancer-related issues.
L27Charlie
You know, it feels actually pretty good to get this off my chest, you know?
L29Charlie
I've been sittin' in here boohooin' a little bit.
L30Charlie
So, uh I mean, I'm glad we can talk.
L31Charlie
We can talk, right?
L35Dennis
We can always talk.
L37Charlie
All right, so it starts out I'm not feeling good.
L38Charlie
I'm havin' headaches and Uh, did you want to talk, like, right now? Well, you know, I was thinking we could talk right now.
L39Dennis
Well, it's not really a good time.
L40Dennis
It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car waitin' for me.
L41Dennis
I told them I'd just, you know, zip in and zip out.
L44Dennis
I could ask 'em to wait.
L46Dennis
I really shouldn't.
L48Dennis
Hey, uh, look, man.
L49Dennis
Keep Keep your head up.
L50Dennis
You're gonna get through this.
L53Charlie
Do me a favor though.
L54Charlie
Uh, don't tell anybody.
L55Charlie
I don't want it gettin' around.
L57Dennis
I won't say anything.
L60Dennis
Uh Uh Could I get the the basketball though? It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people
L61Dennis
and we were supposed to bring that.
L64Dennis
Yeah, but Charlie's got such great hair.
L65Dennis
Is he gonna lose all of his hair? Yeah.
L67Dennis
Well, so what kind of cancer is it?
L68Charlie
I don't know, man.
L69Dennis
Well, when does he go in for treatment?
L71Mac
You know, we just stood there for a long time and didn't say much, you know? And we cried together, and I held him for a while and that was it.
L74Mac
He is gonna look so bad without that hair.
L75Dennis
We gotta do somethin' nice for him.
L78Dennis
We can't go back.
L79Mac
He made me promise not to tell anybody.
L80Dee
So when we see him we're supposed to act like we don't know anything?
L83Dennis
That's not right at all.
L84Dee
We can't just abandon him right now.
L85Dee
He needs people around him.
L86Dee
He shouldn't be alone.
L87Dee
I learned a lot in my theater and psych classes about the human nature Whoa, whoa, whoa.
L88Dennis
Dee, you know what? Nobody cares about your psych or theater training.
L91Dennis
Let's think about this.
L92Dennis
What's the one thing that Charlie never gets?
L94Dennis
Right! So let's find a girl for Charlie.
L95Dee
No, not at all what I was saying actually.
L97Dennis
Let's find Let's find a girl for Charlie someone to be there for him
L98Dennis
spend time with him, you know, nurture him.
L100Dennis
Have sex with him, right.
L102Dennis
You have any friends desperate enough?
L103Dee
Are you out of your mind?
L104Dee
I'm not helping you with this.
L106Dennis
Don't be a pain in the ass.
L107Dee
I am not be Speaking of which, anybody want to get up off their ass and help me with the boxes?
L108Mac
The boxes? That's what Charlie does.
L109Dennis
Charlie's job, yeah.
L111Dee
Well, I can't do it all by myself.
L113Dennis
So Charlie's wasting away, and we're gonna talk about Sweet Dee's feelings all morning.
L115Dee
Okay, you know what? I love Charlie very much.
L116Dee
But this is a stupid idea you guys have.
L119Dee
I am not helping you with it.
L121Mac
You know what, Dennis? We don't need her.
L123Dennis
We don't need her.
L124Mac
What we'll do is we'll find a girl for Charlie tonight in the bar.
L128Dee
There are never any girls in this bar.
L131Dennis
I don't get it, Dee.
L132Dennis
There are tons of women in this city.
L133Dennis
Where do they go?
L134Dee
Uh, they're at the velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.
L135Dee
Why? Dennis, our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley.
L136Dee
Might as well call it Rape Bar.
L138Dennis
The problem is that every time a beautiful girl comes into a place like this it's always the biggest asshole that winds up accosting her.
L139Dennis
Carmen, you have the most amazing body.
L140Dee
Are you bulimic, or what? No.
L141Mac
I work out, like, every day.
L142Dennis
Yeah, it shows.
L143Mac
You look like you work out too.
L145Mac
One would think actually.
L146Mac
But it's pretty much all natural.
L147Dee
Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours.
L148Dee
I don't think getting Charlie laid is gonna help his cancer problem.
L150Mac
Dennis, I found the perfect girl for Charlie.
L151Mac
Smart, beautiful, the whole thing.
L154Dennis
Over by the pool table?
L157Dennis
That's great, Mac.
L158Dennis
Good work, Mac.
L161Mac
The one with the exposed midriff and the cans.
L163Mac
That's Eric Wyzotski's cousin.
L173Mac
Are you sure? Yeah.
L174Mac
Look at his jeans, dude.
L175Mac
There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.
L176Mac
There's a dick in those pants.
L177Dennis
There's a dick in those pants.
L179Mac
I'll be right back.
L181Mac
Can you give me a second?
L183Mac
Is that a penis in your pants?
L188Mac
You don't work out? Please.
L189Carmen
I've seen you at the gym.
L192Carmen
Don't turn this around.
L194Carmen
Really? You think so?
L196Carmen
I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know? Oh, no.
L199Carmen
Well, I gotta get back to work.
L200Carmen
Um, but I don't know.
L201Carmen
Maybe I'll give you a call sometime.
L204Mac
Yeah, I'll give you a call.
L205Dennis
What do you want, Charlie?
L206Charlie
I like your bracelet.
L208Charlie
That's one of those, uh, Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure" "Live Strong" kind of things.
L211Dennis
That's very cool.
L212Dennis
You must be a very compassionate person.
L215Dennis
Did you want something from me, or What time are are you getting off of work? It's not a thing to walk away about.
L217Dee
Dennis, I don't have time to talk to you about this.
L218Mac
But we found the perfect girl for Charlie.
L219Dennis
That's awesome.
L220Mac
Okay, you know the waitress over at the coffee shop
L221Mac
the one that he's been in love with forever?
L224Mac
He saw her wearing one of those Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure" "I Love People that are Dying of Cancer" type bracelets.
L225Dennis
That's really cool.
L226Mac
Well, so that bracelet probably means that she's compassionate towards sick and dying people.
L227Mac
You know what I mean? That's what that symbolizes.
L228Dennis
You know what that symbolizes? Those bracelets symbolize jumping on fashion trends.
L229Dennis
And you know what the thing that's so rad is? They come in all kinds of colors now, so you can accessorize your compassion with your outfits.
L233Mac
Well, be that as it may, we still need you to talk to her because the whole thing is gonna sound so much better coming from a girl.
L234Dee
First of all, I don't have time since, apparently I'm the only one who does anything around here anymore.
L235Dee
And second of all, it's gross!
L236Mac
I'm sure that there's something Mac and I can do for you that will convince you to help us.
L238Dennis
Sweet Dee's in what? She is in way over her head.
L242Charlie
I know that game.
L243Charlie
I'm gonna get a beer.
L244Charlie
You want one? Great.
L248Mac
So Sweet Dee's in?
L250Dee
Uh, under one condition.
L252Dee
She gets to punch you in the face.
L254Dee
Right in the face.
L256Dee
The Christmas party.
L257Mac
How about that game against Dallas when Santa came out at halftime and we threw batteries? She grabbed me from behind.
L258Dennis
It was instinctual.
L260Dennis
You don't grab.
L261Mac
You don't grab from behind.
L262Dennis
Not from behind.
L263Mac
That sucks because if Sweet Dee's out, we need to find another girl quickly.
L264Dennis
Uh, well We, uh, you know We kind of need her.
L265Dennis
We kind of need Sweet Dee.
L266Mac
You're sayin' Are you talking about letting Sweet Dee punch me in my face? Charlie has cancer.
L267Artemis
"So you're new here, yeah? Who are you?" Who am I? I'm just a small-town girl who moved to the big city with big dreams just to find out the only way to make it in the big city is to shake it.
L268Artemis
And that's what I do at the Coyote Ugly.
L271Dennis
Artemis, that was amazing.
L272Artemis
Wow! That really means a lot.
L273Artemis
But you won't be seeing me in class anymore.
L274Artemis
I lost my job at the Wawa.
L276Artemis
Are you doing another scene? L I I won't be able to pay my bills! I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare! What am I gonna do?
L282Dennis
I was What are you listening to? Uh, Rick Astley.
L283Dee
What's up? Oh, nothing.
L284Dennis
Only I just solved all of our problems.
L287Dennis
Except for Charlie and the whole cancer thing.
L288Dennis
But I did figure out how to get help at the bar.
L289Dennis
Sweet Dee, we talked about this.
L292Dee
I was thinking we could do that whole Coyote Ugly theme.
L293Dee
You know, where the girls dance on top of the bars
L294Dee
take their bras off and stuff.
L296Dee
Okay, well, I have a friend who would be absolutely perfect for it.
L297Dee
She'd work for tips only.
L298Dee
And she would even come in and interview with you, so you could see if you liked her.
L299Dennis
Would she wear the, uh, hot pants, tank top, wanna-hump-hump pumps?
L303Dee
Only under one condition.
L304Dennis
I don't wanna help you get that waitress to sleep with Charlie.
L305Dennis
Oh, come on, Sis.
L307Dennis
Okay, you know what? You gotta choose.
L308Dennis
Charlie's waitress or a hot new bartender?
L309Dennis
Sweet Dee's out.
L311Dennis
She's too busy training this new bartender.
L312Dennis
Apparently, she's got this hot new friend who sh-she
L318Dennis
That's a three-pointer.
L319Dennis
What are you guys, uh What are you doin'? Just watchin' a basketball game.
L321Carmen
I was just leaving actually.
L322Dennis
Oh, oh, no, no, no.
L323Carmen
You know what? I was gonna leave.
L324Dennis
I mean, you you you could No, it's okay.
L325Carmen
I've got a hair appointment in, like, 20 minutes.
L326Carmen
It was nice to see you.
L327Dennis
It was good to see you.
L328Dennis
So I'll see you tonight?
L331Dennis
I'll pick you up at 8:00?
L334Dennis
She's gettin' it removed.
L335Dennis
So what? I'm just puttin' in my time, you know?
L336Dennis
So that afterwards I'll be
L340Mac
This is just pathetic.
L345Dennis
Well Well, what's the plan? The plan is that you're gonna distract Charlie, okay? I'm gonna march up to that waitress, tell her that he has cancer.
L346Dennis
All right? She's gonna feel sorry for him, and then she's gonna sleep with him.
L347Mac
That's not gonna work.
L348Mac
You can't just do that.
L349Dennis
Well, what do you wanna do?
L351Dennis
Charlie has cancer.
L358Dennis
I'm I'm all right.
L361Dennis
I slept with her.
L362Mac
Charlie's been in love with that girl for months.
L364Dennis
I don't know what happened.
L365Dennis
I mentioned the cancer thing.
L366Dennis
She instantly started comin' on to me.
L368Dennis
You were right about that.
L370Mac
What What are we gonna do?
L374Mac
Bam? What's that? $200.
L376Dennis
Well, Dennis was thinking that that might help convince you to sleep with our friend Charlie.
L380Mac
Hey, Carmen! Hey, yo, Carmen!
L382Mac
Charlie has cancer.
L383Carmen
Oh, my God! You poor baby.
L384Carmen
I'll be right down.
L385Dennis
Hey, Dennis! Could you help me with this keg, please? Uh, I slept a little funny on my neck.
L386Mac
Hey, is your friend gonna be doin' stuff like this?
L389Dennis
Can I help you?
L392Artemis
I'm here for the audition.
L393Artemis
I'm just a small-town girl who moved to the big city with big dreams just to find out the only way to make it in the big city is to shake it.
L394Artemis
That's what I do.
L397Artemis
You wanna see me shake it? Of course you do.
L404Dee
I sha You cannot possibly have thought that this was gonna be a good idea.
L405Dee
Oh, you know what? This is so you.
L406Dee
I tell you I need some help behind the bar.
L407Dee
I finally find someone who's perfect, and she'll practically work for free.
L408Dee
And just 'cause she doesn't have the right measurements or whatever, you freak out.
L409Dee
Oh, you just want somebody to do all the grunt work for you.
L410Dennis
Shh! She's gonna hear you.
L411Dee
I don't care! Hey-oh! What's goin' on? Gotta pee.
L414Mac
What's goin' on, man? You seem really happy.
L415Dennis
Uh, I feel pretty happy.
L416Mac
Do you? What happened?
L417Dennis
I think you know what happened.
L420Mac
I think you do know.
L421Dennis
You talked to that waitress, right?
L423Charlie
It totally worked.
L424Charlie
It totally I don't know what you said, but we went out on this date.
L425Charlie
She really likes me.
L426Charlie
So thank you, man.
L427Mac
You're welcome, man!
L428Dennis
Yeah, you seem flush.
L429Dennis
You seem like a
L430Charlie
I feel like a I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know? That's great, man.
L431Dennis
That is terrific.
L432Dennis
It must really take your mind off things then, huh? Sure, yeah.
L433Dennis
What things? Well, you know, the cancer.
L434Charlie
Here's the thing though about cancer.
L435Charlie
I don't have it.
L436Charlie
What? Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing.
L437Charlie
Yeah, I got butterflies in my stomach.
L438Charlie
There's one little issue.
L440Dee
Oh! Oh, my God! I think you broke my nose!
L441Mac
That guy's beatin' on that chick!
L442Dee
Oh, my God! Oh, no.
L443Mac
You know what? It's a dude.
L444Mac
Yeah, she has a penis.
L446Dennis
Dude, isn't that a hate crime?
L447Mac
Shit, yeah, it's a hate crime!
L448Dee
How could you do this?
L449Charlie
Oh, well, excuse me for bein'
L450Charlie
the most terrible man on the planet!
L452Charlie
Oh, I'm a terrible man!
L453Dennis
What are you doing? What is that?
L454Dee
We thought you were dying, Charlie.
L455Charlie
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
L457Dee
Me and Mac and Sweet Dee.
L458Charlie
Oh, great! Great.
L459Charlie
I told you not to tell anyone! Now I'm gonna have to go into remission or something so they don't think I was lying.
L462Charlie
I lied to you, all right? Look.
L463Charlie
The girl she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet.
L464Charlie
Okay? So I tell you that I have cancer, right? Then you're gonna tell her.
L465Charlie
She's gonna feel sorry for me.
L466Charlie
We're gonna start dating.
L467Charlie
And that's the way that life works, man!
L468Dee
That was a horrible thing to do!
L469Charlie
Well, I'm a bad guy then.
L470Dee
You are a bad guy! You lied to us.
L471Charlie
All right, look at this.
L472Charlie
Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet.
L473Dennis
You gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelet?
L474Charlie
You gotta crack an egg.
L475Dennis
So you're throwing down life lessons now?
L476Charlie
I'm throwin' down eggs! Class is in session.
L477Dennis
The teacher's teachin' class now!
L478Charlie
I'm crackin' eggs of wisdom.
L479Dennis
Is that what you're doin'?
L480Charlie
Let me crack one more egg for you and throw it in the omelet!
L481Dennis
You got an egg?
L482Dennis
The waitress doesn't even like you.
L484Dennis
We had to pay her $250 to have sex with you!
L485Charlie
Aha! Because Sex? We didn't have sex.
L486Dennis
Hey! Guess what, Dee.
L487Dennis
You're gonna love this.
L489Dennis
Give me a second.
L490Dennis
Charlie was lying the whole time.
L491Mac
He doesn't have cancer.
L492Dennis
Well, how could you not tell me
L493Dennis
that you paid her to have sex with me?
L494Dennis
What? I don't understand how you could possibly be so You can't lie about having cancer! It's not something you do!
L495Mac
We thought you were dying!
L496Charlie
Guys, guys, guys, listen! You're never gonna believe what happened! I accidentally punched that tranny in the face.
L497Charlie
These two guys started chasing me.
L498Dennis
Dee, get me a beer.
L499Charlie
It was unbelievable.
L500Charlie
I ran all the way here.
L504Dennis
Hey, what the hell do you guys want?
L506Mac
It's a, uh It's a funny, funny thing.
L508Dennis
Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and And you never actually had sex with him.
L509Dennis
So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back.
L510Dennis
If you could toss that back our way, that'd be great.
L511Dennis
Is it Is it locked?
L513Mac
She's probably gettin' the money though, right? Dennis!