L1Dennis
You're such a dildo, dude.
L4Mac
That's a good way to start the day.
L5Dennis
Is that soy veggie health drink supposed to erase the damage you did to your liver last night? Is that coffee gonna help you forget that elephant you slept with last night? Oh, come on.
L6Mac
You don't have to be so judgmental.
L7Mac
She was gross, dude.
L8Dennis
She wasn't that gross, all right? If you lowered your standards a bit, you'd get laid more.
L9Mac
Give me a sip of this.
L11Mac
I just wanna try it.
L12Dennis
You do not get to taste my delicious healthy drink after making fun of it.
L13Mac
Why not? Just give it to me.
L14Dennis
'Cause I don't know what kind of diseases that girl had.
L15Mac
She doesn't have any diseases!
L16Mac
Dude, she was really gross.
L18Mac
We got a real serious problem.
L19Mac
There's been a B&E, dude.
L23Dee
What does that mean? Somebody broke into the bar and stole our safe.
L24Mac
Breaking and entering.
L28Dennis
Are you serious?
L30Dennis
When did this happen?
L31Mac
Last night, I guess.
L32Mac
Wejust walked in this morning and found it like that.
L33Dennis
Who locked up last night?
L35Mac
But that's the thing.
L36Mac
The locks weren't even broken.
L37Dennis
So somebody just waltzed in here and stole the safe?
L38Mac
But it's not my fault.
L39Dennis
Well, it's somebody's fault.
L40Mac
I know it's somebody's fault!
L41Dennis
Well, it's somebody's fault!
L42Dennis
I know that! Guys! Guys! We're not gonna get anywhere yelling at each other!
L43Dennis
We need to be rational.
L44Mac
All right, all right.
L45Dennis
Okay! I think it's clear what needs to happen.
L46Mac
What? We need to buy a gun.
L47Dee
So what do you think? I think next time you boys ought to get the kind of safe that a relatively small man can't just carry away.
L48Mac
But there's been, like, a string of these robberies all over the area.
L49Dennis
You don't have any leads or
L52Dennis
" What in the hell does that even mean? How could there not be any leads? The guy must have left something behind.
L53Officer
People are working on it.
L55Officer
They're pretty sure it's the same guy who's been hittin' all the bars around here.
L56Dennis
We know, Charlie.
L57Dennis
So we're done here, Harris.
L60Officer
We'll call you if we come up with anything.
L63Mac
You know what? Let's go get that gun.
L66Dee
No, no, no, no, no.
L67Mac
What? Guns are not a good idea.
L69Dee
Someone's gonna get hurt.
L72Mac
Guys, somebody stole our safe, right? Am I crazy? We need to be able to protect ourselves in case something like this happens again.
L73Mac
Clearly, Philly's finest don't give a shit.
L74Dennis
Mac is absolutely right.
L75Mac
What if one of us was here when it happened?
L76Mac
We would have been killed.
L77Dee
No, you don't know that.
L82Colin
Was that law enforcement?
L84Colin
Is everything all right?
L86Dee
We got robbed last night.
L87Colin
Oh, shit! Are you kiddin' me? Oh What happened? Remember the other day when you were making fun of us for having such a tiny safe? That really sucks, guys.
L88Dee
Look, we have reservations at Guajino's at 12:00, and
L91Mac
Guys, it's a travesty.
L94Mac
Dude, your sister has the worst taste in men.
L97Dennis
He's like a full-on '80s movie stereotype.
L98Mac
Plus, he's a total player.
L99Dennis
What do you mean? You don't know about this? Oh, my God! That guy's dated, like, every hot bartender in town.
L100Dennis
I saw him a week ago with Wendy from Dirty Frank's.
L101Dennis
Hand all down the back of her pants.
L105Dennis
Charlie, close up shop.
L106Mac
Dennis, let's go get us a gun.
L107Dee
Do you really think they're gonna buy one? No.
L108Dee
I mean, I told them not to but Mac gets a boner every single time he thinks about a gun.
L109Dennis
Well, I think it's a great idea.
L110Dee
I'm I'm sorry? I think it's really smart.
L111Dennis
Owning and knowing how to properly use a firearm is an important part of what makes this country great.
L112Mac
Well, that's what I was trying to tell them
L113Mac
To tell you the truth
L114Dee
What? There's nothing sexier than when you're firing a gun.
L115Dennis
Actually, it really turns me on.
L116Dee
Well, that's exactly why I want you to teach me how to use one, sexy.
L117Dennis
It would be my pleasure.
L118Dee
I think the pleasure would be all mine.
L119Dennis
You've got a poppy seed in your teeth.
L122Dennis
It's a big one.
L123Dennis
You might wanna go to the bathroom.
L124Hwang
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Calm down! All right! Hwang.
L125Charlie
You're just in time, buddy.
L126Hwang
Charlie, my rent.
L128Charlie
Listen to me for a second while I
L129Hwang
No! I cannot wait anymore! Don't come over here and just start yelling at me! Hwang! Hey! Wait! Let me go get something, and I'll fix it.
L130Charlie
All right, hurry up.
L131Hwang
Hurry up! I can't wait too long! Hwang not patient! You getting my money? Would you like a Rice Krispie treat?
L132Hwang
$854 you owe me!
L133Charlie
I realize how much money it is! I'm not gonna take it no more! I placed a couple bad investments! Hwang! I placed a couple of bad investments.
L134Charlie
It could happen to anyone, right? Okay.
L135Charlie
I'm going to get your goddamn money by the end of the month, okay?
L136Hwang
I come back tomorrow.
L137Hwang
I want my goddamn money!
L138Charlie
Yeah, tomorrow.
L139Hwang
I want my money!
L141Dennis
Dickhead! Okay, Dennis.
L142Mac
We're gonna be very careful about this, right? We'll stash it right here just in case we need it.
L143Mac
Until then, we don't go near it.
L144Mac
Hopefully, we never have to pick it up again.
L146Dennis
You wanna shoot it?
L150Dennis
How do you like me now, log?
L151Mac
You totally killed that log, dude.
L152Dennis
I totally killed it.
L153Dennis
I always knew that I'd be good at this stuff.
L154Mac
You're a really good shot, Dennis.
L156Dennis
You're pretty good too, Hoss.
L157Mac
You hit the log, like, a bunch of times, man.
L159Mac
If that log was trying to rob the place, you would have killed it.
L160Dennis
I would have killed it!
L161Mac
You totally would have killed it.
L163Dennis
Hey, you wanna shoot it some more?
L165Mac
Hey, can I load it up though?
L166Dennis
Absolutely! You like the sound.
L167Mac
I like the sound of the clip.
L170Charlie
What the hell are you guys doing?
L171Dennis
Oh, Charlie, check it out.
L175Charlie
That's not fun! That's not a toy.
L176Dennis
Oh, come on, Charlie.
L177Charlie
I'm serious, man.
L178Charlie
You shouldn't be playing around with guns.
L179Charlie
First of all, we need to open the bar.
L180Charlie
We got robbed.
L181Charlie
Hwang is all over my ass because of rent.
L182Dennis
You wanna hold it?
L187Charlie
I wanna open the bar!
L188Dennis
Hold it for a little bit.
L189Charlie
No, I don't wanna hold it.
L191Dennis
Give me the gun.
L194Dennis
I'll hold the gun.
L198Dennis
Really nice feel to it.
L199Dennis
That's really good.
L200Charlie
Is this thing loaded? It can be.
L202Mac
Whoo! That's amazing!
L205Dennis
You bet I can feel it! Come on!
L206Mac
Describe what you feel.
L207Dennis
I feel like, uh I feel focused and I feel badass and just, um badass, you know?
L208Mac
I think he's got it, Mac.
L211Mac
Charlie, my boy, you've got the gun fever.
L212Dennis
Whoo! That's what I'm talking about.
L220Mac
It's all right to be a little nervous.
L221Mac
Everyone's nervous their first time.
L222Mac
But I promise you once you put your hand around this you are gonna love it.
L223Dennis
Well, actually, I've got something I think you'll love.
L224Dee
I'd rather watch you shoot the gun here.
L226Mac
Just shoot the gun, Dee.
L228Mac
Why would I not be serious?
L230Dee
Thanks, Detective.
L231Mac
Nothing? No, nothing.
L232Dennis
I don't think they're taking this seriously on any level, dude.
L233Mac
Of course they're not, dude.
L234Dennis
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
L235Dennis
These cops don't give a shit about us.
L236Dennis
I think it's time we took matters into our own hands.
L238Dennis
Maybe we should do a little investigating of our own.
L239Dennis
Do some snoopin' around, try to crack the case.
L242Mac
Wanna go shoot it some more?
L246Mac
Whoa! What the hell?
L248Mac
Dude, the gun's not here.
L249Dennis
Holy shit! What are you talkin' about?
L253Charlie
Yeah, I got the gun.
L254Dennis
Why, Charlie? It's supposed to be here to protect the bar.
L259Charlie
I just needed it.
L260Mac
Is this the gun fever talking, dude?
L261Charlie
No It's not I don't have the gun fever, man.
L262Charlie
Look, I'm coming in to work later.
L263Charlie
I'll bring it with me.
L264Dennis
I really don't like the sound of this, Charlie.
L265Charlie
Hey, hey, hey.
L266Charlie
I gotta go, dude.
L267Charlie
I'll see you guys at the bar.
L269Dennis
All right! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! I'm coming! All right.
L270Mac
Hang on a second there.
L272Charlie
Okay, so you got my money now? I got some Rice Krispie treats in the fridge.
L273Hwang
You want some more of those? Charlie, I don't like you.
L274Hwang
I never liked you.
L275Hwang
So just give me my money, or Hwang will be forced to I'm sorry.
L277Charlie
What you doing?
L280Charlie
So, listen, Hwang.
L281Dennis
Let me talk to you about your money for a second.
L282Dee
Uh, I don't have it right now, you know? I just don't have it.
L283Dee
But I'm gonna get it because I have my ways.
L284Dennis
Do you know what I mean, Hwang, when I say I have my ways? What is that? Is that a yes? Sometimes I can't understand you.
L285Dennis
You're talking, but I don't understand you.
L286Dennis
So say yes if you know what I mean when I say I have my ways.
L291Mac
So we got the binoculars.
L292Mac
We got the ziplock baggies.
L293Mac
We got the Maglite.
L294Dennis
I think as soon as Charlie gets here with the gun, we're all set.
L295Mac
This is great, dude.
L297Mac
We're like the Hardy Boys.
L300Dennis
So I'll be Frank.
L302Dennis
'Cause Frank was kind of the leader, and that makes a little more sense
L303Mac
Didn't Frank have blond hair?
L305Mac
But that doesn't make any difference
L306Dennis
So I should be Frank 'cause I have lighter
L307Mac
The hair color doesn't matter.
L308Dennis
It's all about who's making the plans and If we're gonna play Frank and Joe Hardy
L309Mac
But I'm the leader clearly in this partnership!
L310Dennis
Why are we talking about this? You're right.
L311Mac
We have a lot of work to do.
L312Dennis
What's the first step?
L313Mac
So I'm the leader.
L318Dennis
What are you doing? We gotta open up the bar.
L319Dennis
Or we could call your sister to do her job that is if she's not having sex with Colin and every other bartender in Philadelphia.
L322Dennis
Look, dude, we need to jump on this.
L323Mac
Let's go do some investigating.
L325Dennis
All Wait a second.
L328Dennis
I know who stole our safe.
L330Dennis
Let's go get that gun.
L331Mac
Yeah, let's get the gun.
L339Dee
I hope Charlie didn't do anything stupid.
L340Dennis
Whatever Charlie's doing right now, it's probably pretty stupid.
L341Dee
Let's just hope nobody got hurt.
L346Dennis
Can we get that gun?
L348Dennis
Why? Well, first of all, we shouldn't have to tell you why.
L351Dennis
But if you must know, it's because we know who knocked over the bar.
L353Mac
Can we get the gun?
L355Mac
Because we know who Okay, you know what, dude? Move.
L356Dennis
Oh, this place is a shit-hole, Charlie.
L358Dennis
So, don't you wanna know who did it?
L366Dennis
Think about it.
L367Dennis
It all makes sense.
L368Dennis
Colin goes around town with every hot bartender chick, right? He woos them with his charm and his good looks.
L369Dennis
He finds out where the safes are.
L370Dennis
He finds out how to get in.
L371Dennis
You remember when Sweet Dee said that he was laughing about how small the safe was? You saw how quickly he changed the subject when she brought that safe up.
L374Mac
So what's the plan? I'll slide the gun meaningfully into the front of my pants
L375Dennis
I know that game.
L377Dennis
So why don't you go get it?
L378Mac
Go get the gun! All right.
L381Dennis
Do you want it? Hey, Dee.
L382Dee
Are you with Colin right now? Oh, no.
L383Dennis
He had to meet someone at Fingers Bar, huh?
L386Dennis
Why don't you take the night off, okay? You deserve it.
L388Dennis
You're welcome.
L394Mac
It goes Uh, stick it back in
L396Mac
Like you wouldn't do such a thing?
L398Mac
Let's nail this prick.
L400Dennis
Hold on a second.
L401Dennis
Didn't Fingers already get robbed?
L403Dennis
So what's this guy doing, going in for round two?
L405Mac
Can we do this thing?
L408Dennis
Do you think this guy would be dumb enough to rob the same bar twice?
L411Dennis
All right, change of plans.
L413Dennis
I'm gonna get this asshole to hit Paddy's again.
L414Dennis
Follow my lead.
L418Dennis
What are you doing here?
L420Colin
Didn't expect to see you here.
L422Colin
I was just Actually, I was leaving.
L424Mac
Having a little drink, huh? Little drinky-poo.
L427Colin
Just, uh Yeah, just a little drink.
L428Dennis
Yeah? What's up, man? You seem like, uh, the cat who ate the canary.
L429Colin
No Canary No, I was just I didn't expect to see you guys here.
L431Colin
Well, I thought you'd be at Paddy's.
L433Dennis
We actually closed up shop for the night.
L436Dennis
Thought we'd get wasted here instead, you know?
L437Mac
Just a little freaked out about the robbery.
L439Dennis
But, actually, funny story.
L440Dennis
Turns out the dickhead didn't actually get all of our money.
L441Dennis
We actually keep it in the register instead of the safe.
L443Dennis
So the stupid asshole didn't even think to look there, right?
L445Dennis
What an idiot! What an idiot! What a total idiot, right?
L446Charlie
Boner, really.
L449Dennis
Yeah, so, you know.
L450Dennis
As soon as we get some new locks, we should be all set.
L452Dennis
So we're just probably gonna hop in here
L453Dennis
Grab a couple drinks here tonight.
L455Charlie
Maybe pass out.
L456Dennis
Or walk home with a couple of hot waitresses.
L457Dennis
Right, Colin? Yeah, totally.
L459Colin
All right, well, don't wanna keep you.
L461Mac
We'll see you later.
L462Dennis
You look spiffy, bro.
L463Mac
Yeah, you look good.
L464Colin
Maybe you guys should get a gun.
L465Dennis
What? Well, Dee was saying that you were thinking about getting a gun.
L466Dennis
I think it's a good idea.
L468Colin
I, uh I keep one on me all the time.
L472Mac
Enjoy your drinky.
L476Dennis
Have a good night, bro.
L479Dennis
He's got a gun on him at all times.
L480Mac
From now on, so will we.
L481Dennis
Dude, you just laid it on way too thick back there.
L482Mac
There's no way he's gonna hit Paddy's again tonight.
L483Dennis
He'd have to be a moron.
L484Mac
He is a moron, dude.
L485Dennis
He'll be there.
L488Dennis
There's a change of plans.
L489Dennis
I need you to meet us at Paddy's tonight after all.
L490Dennis
Something you need to see.
L491Dennis
Why did you guys bring me into this?
L493Dennis
Did you turn off the circuit breaker?
L497Dennis
What the hell was that?
L498Mac
Did you just cock back the hammer, bro?
L501Dennis
You guys have a gun? Hey, listen to me.
L502Dennis
We are not shooting anybody tonight.
L504Dee
Dennis, you are not shooting anyone! I don't want to shoot anyone, Sweet Dee!
L505Mac
You better not shoot anybody.
L507Dee
I should be holding the gun.
L509Mac
Well, I put this whole thing together.
L510Dee
I shot the log way more times!
L511Charlie
This is so bad.
L512Dee
But I'm the one who has better aim than you! What? What? Is he here?
L515Dennis
What's he doing?
L516Mac
He's walking toward the cash register.
L517Dennis
Oh, he looks shady.
L521Dennis
Do the flashlight.
L522Dennis
Turn the flashlight on!
L523Dee
I can't reach it! No, no! He's getting away!
L527Mac
Shoot him in his face! Shit!
L530Dee
Charlie? Oh, my God!
L531Dee
Oh, my god! Turn on the circuit breaker! Turn on the circuit breaker!
L532Charlie
Did you shoot me, Dennis?
L535Charlie
Why did you shoot me?
L537Mac
My God! Dude, are you okay?
L538Mac
Where are you shot?
L540Dennis
What? Oh, my God! Charlie, I shot you in your head.
L543Charlie
No, I'm not okay! He shot me in my head!
L545Dennis
It must havejust grazed his head.
L546Mac
You shot him in the head, bro!
L547Dennis
If I shot him in the head, he'd be dead.
L548Charlie
It really hurts!
L549Charlie
I gotta go to a hospital!
L551Mac
I'll call an ambulance.
L552Dennis
The hospital's, like, three blocks away.
L553Dee
We should just drive him! I know that.
L554Dennis
But I don't wanna get blood stains all over the interior of my car.
L555Dee
Are you serious? All right! I'll take you to a hospital! God! All right, get a trash bag.
L556Dee
We'll put it over him.
L557Mac
I can't believe you shot Charlie, dude.
L558Dennis
Don't start this again!
L559Mac
You almost killed our best friend.
L560Dennis
You told me to shoot Charlie! You guys told me to shoot Charlie.
L561Dennis
The minute the shit hits the fan, you guys are, like, "Dennis, don't shoot the gun!"
L563Dennis
Then all of a sudden, you told me to shoot him in the face! I didn't say that!
L566Charlie
How you feeling, buddy? You shot me, dude.
L567Dennis
But, Charlie, you were stealing from the bar.
L568Charlie
It was an honest mistake.
L569Charlie
I still kind of wish you didn't shoot me.
L570Dee
If you needed help with money, why didn't you talk to us?
L572Charlie
L I had it all worked out, all right? I was gonna make it look like all the other robberies going on around town.
L573Charlie
Then we would collect some insurance money and
L575Dennis
That's really just goddamn ridiculous.
L577Charlie
I thought it was the best idea I ever had.
L578Dennis
No, it's not at all.
L579Charlie
But you know what?
L580Charlie
It might be the best idea you've ever had, but Listen.
L582Dennis
The important thing is that you are all right.
L583Dennis
And we talked about it, and we decided we need to get rid of that gun.
L584Charlie
Oh, oh, the gun.
L585Mac
Yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.
L586Dennis
It's too dangerous.
L587Dennis
You could have been killed.
L588Mac
Dennis could have killed you.
L591Dennis
I think that would be for the best.
L594Dennis
Dee, could you get me a nurse? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
L596Mac
Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun.
L601Dennis
It turns out itjust kind of grazed his head.
L602Dee
Oh, that's great news, babe.
L603Dee
Thank you so much for calling though.
L604Dee
You are so sweet, Colin.
L605Colin
I guess I'm just a sweet guy.
L607Dee
Well, I'll see you tomorrow?