Community — Episode Guide v3

"I just wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group."

"Well, I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil."

"So don't question Señor Chang or you'll get bit."

"I think he spent his whole life looking out for himself, and he would trade it all for a shot at some kind of family."

"Our first assignment is a documentary."

"Isn't Abed's dad a hardcore Muslim? They're not as understanding as Christians."

"Professor Duncan."

"What's that? So who wants to be in a psych experiment? Hey, guys, guys."

"Your case will be reviewed by disciplinary tribunal tomorrow in Borchart Hall."

"I'm sorry, do you mind if we have this conversation in a room with less balls? You You're very confident, I'll say that."

"The team's name is the Human Beings? Yeah."

"Unfortunately, I don't know what to do about the mascot."

"Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, is sometimes referred to as Mexican Halloween."

"Are you saying my people are sneaky? What? There is a storm building on the horizon, but you and I will save the night."

"See? Who needs platinum faucets? Do you guys even have faucets in here? There's a communal bathroom down the hallway."

"I'm kind of the Hawkeye around here, so it's kind of a Are you seeing anybody? You guys weren't in Spanish class."

"Just a reminder, our debate team will bring home the championship tomorrow versus City College."

"And now, from City College, Jeremy Simmons."

"I choose not to be around rats because they are unpopular."

"" Why doesn't Annie have to write it? Okay, two pages, entitled: "The Consequences of Questioning Authority."

"STD fair, guys."

"You're gonna be center stage showing everyone how to put a condom on a, uh Well, what my dad called a Jimmy Carter."

"Well, it's still Christmas to all of us."

"Oh, well, thank you, Shirley."

"You guys don't remember me? Buddy, from Spanish class."

"I had 20 minutes to let people know Toni Braxton was starting early and 273 text messages left before my rate tripled."

"Troy, since when have you taken modern dance? Since last semester."

"Professor Slater, quick question."

"Why is Annie talking to Micro-Nipples? Vaughn? Whatever."

"Kickpuncher."

"So, what's up? The drunk dial."

"It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone."

"We seriously have to wear shorts to play pool? If you play in this class."

"Did you pick a special outfit so you could look sexy shooting pool? Shirley, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Plus I had to find 30 extra chairs for my classroom since it's Family Day."

"Listen, when she gets back, come up with some reason why you have to leave, okay? I'll beg you to stay, but you don't."

"I will tolerate no reenacting, whether it's ironic or sincere, of the Patrick Swayze-Demi Moore pottery scene in Ghost."

"Ever since that movie was released in 1990, I have seen every conceivable variation of what I call ghosting."

"That's a buddy cop movie I would watch."

"They allow volunteers for campus security during times of heightened shenanigans."

"Oh, I love chicken fingers."

"It's like a mafia movie."

"Yes, suck it! Schmitty face! We showed you, high schoolers! Suck it! Congratulations on your victory."

"Like in The Bucket List."

"There's also going to be a game of Paintball Assassin with a prize for last man standing."

"Priority registration."

"If the dean finds out that I'm not a real teacher, your grades are invalid, and you'll all have to repeat this class."

"That make you happy? Why aren't you at your desk? Because I don't wanna sit near you because you're a bad friend."

"Um Everyone has to go to the transfer dance tomorrow."

"Oh, Professor Slater, hi."

"So you guys ready for whatever Anthropology is? We should wait for Britta."

"And then we start competing with each other, exploiting each other, humiliating each other and controlling each other."

"Abed, this is Alan Connor."

"I had a dream that one day I'd be head of a firm so nobody would be able to talk about the big, weird hole in my hand."

"She's a Level Five Laser Lotus, same as me."

"Which puts you in violation of this restraining order I filed against you for abusing me with your restraining order."

"City College has a space simulator."

"I don't wanna watch it become a City College parking lot."

"So you guys bought one of my outfits, and then staked out my apartment every day until I wore it? That's not pathetic."

"How captivating was Ricardo Montalban in that? I'm serious Except in Abed's film, the character's name isn't Spock."

"Guys, those are not zombies."

"How is it? Pretty good taco meat."

"Because there's a trampoline? There is something cool about being up here, Jeff."

"Ow! Oh, my legs! Illegal trampoline! They have an illegal trampoline back there! Black jeans? Nice try, Michael Penn."

"Are we going to the Puppy Parade? Feels like a bottle episode."

"Hey, meatball, did you take Annie's pen to make life more like Benny Hill or whatever you do? Abed? I wouldn't do that."

"Let's get in our pajamas and build a blanket fort."

"Professor Professorson? Yes."

"Caroline Decker from Corpus Christi, Texas."

"What's your friend doing with other people's IDs? People sell their ID when they're leaving the state and need cash."

"I'm also a Christmas wizard."

"The cave of frozen memories is a safe place where we can observe suppressed experiences without being affected by them."

"Oh, everyone, this is Andre."

"Jeff, I think we should vote now."

"I'm just checking in to see how the Greendale Anti-Drug Players are doing."

"By the way, you're mom is the period fairy, right? Hey, guys, I found my phone, but has anyone seen my bra? - It's 2 a."

"Gather close that you might hearken the story of Fat Neil."

"We're gonna ignore that hate crime? I'm a dark elf or a drow."

"What if I don't? I miss the deadline? Valentine's, Crapentine's."

"Why does being a librarian make her hotter? They're keepers of knowledge, she answers questions."

"But I'm excited about the narrative of the documentary format."

"But I'd just use them all on a million signed photos of actor LeVar Burton."

"This election's become a race."

"Alex "Star-Burns" Osbourne."

"I wanted to get a doll, and since the father might be Andre or Chang, I wanted all ethnic bases covered."

"Who's that cute guy that I saw you outside with earlier? Lukka, our friend."

"Get it? Like Pulp Fiction."

"So you're ending early? In My Dinner with Andre Check, check, check."

"When I wasn't shielding the wealthy, I was drinking their finest wines."

""Who Indeed: A Critical Analysis of Television's Who's the Boss?" The professor is the author."

"Show's gonna last three weeks! Six seasons and a movie! Pierce, you can't sneak up on me like that."

"I'll be a living god! I'm glad you're considering the exciting opportunity of selling Lady Miss Lady cosmetics."

"All right, well, we'll have our own little baby Ben Bennett."

"So have you considered natural childbirth? Are you kidding me? I'll take whatever they got."

"This is paintball."

"I wanna thank Pistol Patty's Cowboy Creamery for sponsoring our end-of-the-year picnic."

"It seems we've left the Western motif and are entering a Star Wars scenario."

"We just took out a professional paintball assassin."

"Okay, guys, let's get to biology on time."

"What's wrong? Cougar town has been moved to mid-season."

"Gang, this is Annie Kim from my Poli-Sci class."

"Is it lined with credit cards and flat screen TVs? Does it go by an Ikea? Maybe I don't want a new path! Or any path."

"The point of what I'm trying to tell you, Todd, is that I don't want to be your lab partner."

"That's your lab partner for the rest of the semester."

"Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines."

"Troy lost his larynx because, for some dumb reason, he tried to destroy a flaming troll doll by eating it."

"Trick or Dean! Don't forget to come by our Halloween scare-tacular dance, starting in the cafeteria at 9:30."

"I brought it as a cautionary measure, because this cabin is within walking distance of the local insane asylum."

"Everybody, this is my father, Cornelius Hawthorne."

"Excuse me, are you Pierce Hawthorne of Hawthorne Wipes? At your cervix."

"We call it the dreamatorium."

"Yours is a blanket fort."

"Go Greendale, go Greendale, go! That, as you probably know, is the currently-running commercial for our school."

"Ever seen Hearts of Darkness? Way better than Apocalypse Now."

"Foosball's like the soccer of ping-pong."

"And I'm getting tired of saying this to people, but these things wouldn't happen if you'd invest in a simple shoe safe."

"Glee club here, reminding you that our Christmas pageant is coming."

"Rad kill the last glee club? And to think I trusted him enough to captain a magic carpet in that dream I had last night."

"Oh, Shirley, I managed to set up a meeting with the Dean, so we can pitch him our sandwich shop idea."

"Same theme as every wedding Conformity, blind participation, and patriarchal - What about pink? - We don't call it pink."

"Ah - French Stewart And speaking of gold mines, you owe me three grand, pal."

"Over break, Abed realized he could hire celebrity impersonators from a service for his own personal use."

"I never realized I had my own issues regarding gender roles, and it was certainly unfair of me to take them out on Kim."

"I just think it's a striking expression of love's ability to persevere within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems."

"Wait, did you hear that? What the hell is that? Blanketsburg soldiers charge a pillow fort in the library."

"Its goal to be a newer, fluffier town than Fluffytown, their blanket fort from the previous year."

"What about you guys? Okay, you don't like our movie, we can't say the word "Blade," there's phones in the refrigerator."

"Guys, could we maybe watch a different movie or just stop saying that word six times per minute? - What word? - Blade."

"If we don't eat, we can make-believe an whole episode's worth of Inspector Spacetime - in the Dreamatorium."

"I've been thinking about our Inspector Spacetime scenario."

"And who's that? - Duh-doy! Todd."

"There's nothing here to connect to Star-Burns."

"I know my comb's in here, you son of a bitch! Look, tiny riot gear."

"Oh, yes, we could have a little service and I could bring some of my brownies and I guess someone should sing Ave Maria."

"Our friend has been having a hard time adjusting to being expelled from Greendale."

"He shouted to no one, just a man alone in time with nothing but the cold squishiness of tuna salad to comfort him."

"Hurry up, Britta! I'm trying, I'm trying! Aah! Damn it, I thought we could count on Britta to not screw up drinking."

"You still talking to this girl? Yeah, she only has three moves that you activate with basic patterns of stimulus."

"Elaborate heist? Elaborate heist? We'll need disguises."

"When I became Dean, I made a pledge to swallow this school's failures and spit out degrees because that's what deans do."

"And you come from - The darkest timeline."

"Judging Amy or Judge Judy? You say your name is Evil Abed, which does not throw me, because I'm a therapist."

"So follow me to The Hunger Deans."

"Yeah? Did you go to your happy place? Yeah."

"Happy Halloween parties."

"" Ghost dad, exploring your haunted mansion for secret codes? Nice try, Pierce."

"I think I got Abed to agree to let you come to the Inspector Spacetime convention."

"We need to go over the convention schedule again."

"Those annoying Germans are back? I thought they transferred after they lost their foosball scholarship."

"Really, Abed? Karl's not horrible? Even though he took your home? When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom."

"Hello, William."

"He told me about seeing his father, about how leaving there felt like breaking free of an emotional prison he'd been in."

"Changnesia is a fascinating and extremely rare disease on the forefront of the psychological landscape."

"My name is Kevin."

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is what we in the community college recruiting game call a whale."

"If I wanted to wait on a rich man hand and foot, I would've gone to Dubai with that sheik I met at Trader Joe's."

"Anyhow, it is a Sadie Hawkins dance, which means girls ask the boys."

"Can I help you? Where's Rachel? She said she had to go."

"Oh, so the puppets are working."

"And you know who invented gravity, right? Guys, let's put a pin in the "mysteries of the universe" convo until we land."

"She does work for Professor Cornwallis."

"Our group's first grown-up Christmas party."

"Speaking of anniversaries, it is the third anniversary of me and Abed watching Freaky Friday for the first time."

"Decoupage and glitter, and this is the approval station where Shirley and I will decide whether you have to start over."

"This is our origin story."

"This is the real world, not some comic-book adventure."

"The darkest timeline."

"When's the graduation ceremony? Never."

"We could repilot it."

"I thought I might contact alumni to form a committee The Save Greendale Committee."

"Buzz Hickey, criminology."

"There's a two-day course called "Nicolas Cage: Good or Bad."

""I am the Ass Crack Bandit."

"Leonard, hello, how are you? It's a guy who puts quarters down butt cracks, Jeff."

"What? To be cleared, you must all submit to a polygraph test."

"How else do you expect somebody to sit through something like that? At least with a bris there's an element of suspense."

"Hot lava is the sweet, classic children's game in which you are not allowed to touch the floor, or you're dead."

"When you're sailing around the world, you'll be going through a lot of countries, So we got you a universal translator."

"Next, the midterm dance is tonight."

"That's what that was? How did you know? Did you investigate pornography when you were a cop? - Eh, something like that."

"Professor Duncan, I didn't know that cause interested you."

"And what "kicky-punch" movie is that from? The ones you've seen or the one I'm gonna watch you miss? I said I was sorry."

"Bixel and I would like to introduce you to a little app called MeowMeowBeenz."

"The rule of the Fives is over! Long live the review-lution! - No! - That comes down? - Okay, okay, all right, all right."

"I love textbooks."

"There's not a huge amount of people in my life that haven't eventually kicked me out, and I don't always see it coming."

"Hank's a knob."

"A blood-orange sunrise crests the peaks of rage mountain, as the eight of you arrive at the troubled realm of Galindor."

"Well, if you're so great, Wingman, show us how it's done."

"Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra, Cobra."

"Buried treasure."

"So What are you going to do? I'm thinking I'm gonna transfer to City College, but I'm knowing I'm gonna be a bartender."

"I don't know why, but serial killers and people that hide treasure always leave weird little clues."

"This is Russell Borchert, computer genius, anti-deodorant activist, and millionaire."

"So? - Frankie, hi."

"Cancelled Ladders, she's banning substances."

"You wanna give me a hand setting up the equipment after lunch? We're all going to help Britta move into our place today."

"Deb and George? You know my parents too? Since when? I don't know, since thousands of dollars ago? I'm bad with dates."

"Annie, still going to Greendale? Thought you should know City College is running a negative ad about your school at 7 a."

"You do understand that what we did was the most prudent tactical move? Getting in front of the scandal, Letterman style."

"Well, I hope your apology comes with a beak and hollow bones and a special magnet in its head it uses to migrate."

"Thanks to you, that bird has his whole bird life ahead of him, to fly, meet lady birds, even start a bird family."

"What's your name? - Willy."

"I'm attending our meeting using what's called a telepresence robot."

"Our hacks are all up in your systems."

"It's the lunch lady's emails."

"Someone just told me that Honda has released some kind of super vehicle called the Honda Fit."

"In other news, campuses across the country, including this area have been seeing a dramatic rise in guerilla marketing."

"I'm headed to Hollywood"? I mean, how did your students react to that? Well, you know, I haven't spoken to them really."

"Now Chang goes to Hollywood so we force you to make the crappiest movie of all time then force you to make it crappier."

"There's a class called Basic Grifting."

"My name is Professor Roger DeSalvo, for the time being."

"We're all gonna die! All in favor? And that solves the matter of the giant hand."

"Unless we make the decision, right now, that act one is a flashback, so that the beginning story is now instead of then."

"Did you hear about the paintball game? I heard there was no paintball."

"Well, not everything, that doesn't You know what I - Koogler."

"Between us ruining the ceremony and ruining the reception when we were all just individual people, I wasn't the worst."

"Oh my God, do you think she saw me pushing meemaw, and now she's wondering what's wrong with her? I'll be right back."

"Fake commercial may end with disclaimer gag which may descend into vain Chuck Lorre-esque rant by narcissistic creator."

"Collect all the other players' identities and be the first to figure out if the game is part of the show or, I got it."