# GilmoreGirls-S04E20
# source: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=gilmore-girls&episode=s04e20

Hello? - They know.
|- Who knows? The cats.
 They know I've broken up|with Jason and I'm alone.
 They've decided it's time for me|to become a crazy cat lady.
 - What are you talking about?|- There's a cat on my doorstep.
 That's better than a bun in your oven.
 It's sitting there staring at me,|like it knew this moment was coming.
 - Why is it still there?|- It's a stray.
 It's passing through.
 It's hanging out.
 Relax.
 Move away from the window|and go back to bed.
 It's not fair.
 We just broke up.
|It just happened.
 I'm still young.
 It's still possible I'll have|a successfuI relationship.
 - My eggs are still viable.
|- Are you yelling at me or the cat? The cat.
 He flipped me off with his tail.
 - I'm Babette.
|- Babette's not single.
 Whose side are you on? Circle the wagons.
 Everyone knows.
|They can see it in my face.
 "She's single again.
|She couldn't make it work again.
 "She picked the wrong guy again.
 "|Do not lick yourself in front of me.
 Mom, I need you to get a grip.
 You're tired, stressed out,|and not seeing things clearly.
 My God! There are two of them.
 They're not even easing me into this,|those bastards.
 I give up.
 I guess I need to start|collecting newspapers and magazines find a blue bathrobe, lose my front teeth.
 Obviously, you've got|a busy day ahead of you so I'm gonna let you go.
 - I need to find some yarn balls.
|- Bye.
 I am a young, desirable woman.
 Michel, curtains.
|Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.
 Sylvie, horse feed.
 Jackson, garden stone.
|Sookie, too much salt in the gazpacho.
 Boy.
 - What are you doing?|- I need coffee.
 - It's 5:00 a.
 m.
 Make coffee at your house.
|- I did.
 I drank it all.
 You drank all the coffee|in your house before 5:00 a.
 m.
? - Big gulps, lots of sugar.
|- Get up.
 And just a little bit of cream|'cause it makes it cold.
 Keep moving.
 I can't sleep.
 I can't turn my mind off.
 It keeps running and thinking|and making lists.
 Maybe if you drank a little less coffee,|you'd make less lists.
 I can't stop drinking the coffee.
 I stop drinking coffee, I stop doing|the standing and walking and the words-putting-into-sentence|doing.
 I'll make you some coffee.
 If I could move, I would hug you.
 In fact, in my mind, I am hugging you and also telling the plumber there's|no water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
 I'm making you some oatmeal.
 - I don't like oatmeal.
|- You've gotta eat something healthy.
 I'm so completely stressed.
 I can't remember what I'm doing|from one moment to the next.
 - It's never gonna get done.
|- It will.
 No, it won't, and the inn won't open,|and then I'll go broke.
 - How do you do it?|- Do what? Go broke? No, run this place, handle all the stress? - The place isn't stressful.
|- It's not? Actually, at this moment, it is a little.
 Maybe I can't handle it.
|Do you think I can handle it? - I already said you could handle it.
|- When? - Quite a while ago.
|- Did I believe you? - Apparently, you didn't listen to me.
|- I want you to take a tour of the inn.
 Why don't I wait till it's repossessed?|I'll see it at the auction.
 How can you be so mean|when I only managed to line one eye? I apologize.
 Seriously, I want to give you|an official investor's tour.
 It's looking really good.
 I heard the water pressure sucks|in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
 - What do you say?|- You eat the oatmeal, I'll take the tour.
 Fine, I'll eat it.
|But I'm making a face the entire time.
 Looking forward to it.
 Hey, Kirk.
 - Something wrong?|- I wanted to sit there.
 - Seriously?|- Of course.
 Why do you think I'm here this early?|I wanted to get that table.
 Every single other table in here is empty.
 - Except the one I want.
|- Fine.
 You have to understand that|on days when Lulu is working - I have very little in my life.
|- I know.
 This table is a small thing,|but it makes me happy.
 It gives me a sense of power over my life a little control in a world|where very little is controllable.
 Kirk, I moved.
 Your table's free.
 - Thanks.
|- You're welcome.
 Boy, the light over here is excellent.
 Is this your voice? MicheI, curtains.
|Tom, banister and mud-sink valve.
 Yes.
 I left myself|a couple of messages last night.
 You left yourself 25 messages last night and the funny thing is,|you didn't listen to any of the messages.
 - I listened to the messages.
|- Just hand them to me, please.
 Every day that you breathe,|you make my life harder.
 - I've got a solution for you.
|- And when is the desk coming? I don't find the whole conducting-business-on-the-floor|thing amusing anymore! I want a desk and a chair and a bed.
 Where the hell is my bed? - You came by.
|- You told me I had to.
 - I'm so glad you're here.
|- The staircase is beautiful.
 Tom.
 Nice work here.
 But you used glue.
|I thought with a banister- Are you gonna kibitz? Guys who know|a little about construction they build a birdbath, install a towel bar makes them think they know something,|so they kibitz offer free advice on things|they don't know anything about.
 - I got a low tolerance for that right now.
|- I'm not gonna kibitz.
 And stop touching my banister.
 He won't let me touch the banister either.
 You want to see the kitchen?|The stove is a thing of beauty.
 We're thinking of ordering out|so we never have to use it.
 Great idea.
 And I wasn't gonna kibitz.
 - Exciting, isn't it?|- I know.
 Lorelai, great.
 I've been looking for you.
|Hi, Luke.
 Sookie.
 Nice kitchen.
|Did you use the original tiles? - I don't know.
 Ask Tom.
|- Never mind.
 Lorelai, I would like|to introduce you to Shel Sausman.
 - Shel, this is Lorelai Gilmore.
|- It is really nice to meet you.
 - It's really nice to meet you, too.
|- Shel is going to be our poultry supplier.
 That's great.
 He sells only free-range, hormone-free,|and he's recently divorced.
 I assume the one doesn't have|anything to do with the other.
 You're funny.
 She's funny.
 They say pretty women usually|aren't funny because they never had to be.
 Were you a fat child? I'm gonna go out|and check with Michel on something and you guys just talk till I get back.
 - Why do you need to talk to Michel?|- Tablecloth supplies.
 - I can do that.
|- Michel likes me better.
 Just talk! - Lorelai-|- Shel, have you met Luke? - Luke, get up!|- What? Shel, this is Luke.
 - Nice to meet you.
|- Yeah, you, too.
 Luke is my special friend.
 Yeah.
 I have to tell you renovating this place|has been a real nightmare.
 I don't know how I would have|gotten through it without him.
 Have I said thank you to you recently? - No.
|- Thank you.
 - You're welcome.
|- It was nice meeting you both.
 - I'm gonna go say goodbye to Sookie.
|- Bye, Shel.
 - Don't touch my stomach.
|- You put my hand there.
 She's trying to set me up with Shel,|the poultry guy? Why? I just broke up with someone.
|We'd been dating for a few months now.
 I figured there was someone|in the picture.
 You did? How? Just clues.
|You never dressed weather-appropriate.
 - I can bundle on up now.
|- I'm sorry.
 - Cats came to my house today|- Really? because they know I'm a loser|and I'm destined to be alone.
 You're not destined to be alone.
|You have Shel.
 - Why is it so hard?|- Relationships? Look who you're asking.
 - At least you got married.
|- At least you had a kid.
 It makes me sad sometimes.
|Does it make you sad? I don't know.
 Maybe.
 I see Dr.
 Phil books in our future.
 Unless they stock them at Home Depot,|they're not likely to cross my path.
 All this sad talk|is putting a damper on my stressing.
 - The place is great.
|- Do you think I can do this? I already told you you can do this.
 I already told you|that I told you you can do this.
 - You're making me long for Shel.
|- You'd never want for chicken.
 Isn't politicaI writing just|another form of propaganda? Absolutely not.
 Political writing|confronts your assumptions.
 - Propaganda can do that.
|- No, it cannot.
 Propaganda merely reinforces|what that person wishes to be told.
 That means the definition|is determined by the audience.
 - That's one way of looking at it.
|- You can't do that.
 You can't define literature|in terms of the audience.
 Far be it from me|to expect reason and common sense to triumph above youthful omniscience so for today,|we shall stop until next week.
 - Rory, hi.
|- Stop it.
 I thought I'd do some laundry,|and I don't have a full load of whites so if you have whites, toss them in.
 I don't want to be your beard anymore.
|Just go talk to Asher.
 I don't take his class.
|People will get suspicious.
 What, is he taking confession?|You can't go.
 I'm not gonna be in this class forever which means next year,|you'll have to find another idiot to stand here until the coast is clear.
 It's all going to be coming out eventually.
 Asher asked me to go to Oxford|with him this summer.
 Really? Oxford? That's - This is really getting serious.
|- There's now travel involved.
 As soon as news of the trip gets around,|the secret is out.
 - I guess so.
|- Crap.
 Pretend you have to see him.
 You were|confused on the last point he made.
 You were gonna ask him after class|but Toby wouldn't stop yapping.
 I feel my mouth moving,|something's coming out.
 Walk faster.
 We'll miss him.
 - Did you find what you need?|- Yeah.
 Fine.
 - What are you doing?|- I have to ring them up.
 I'll just tell you the prices.
|This one is $24.
99.
 - That high?|- They're your prices.
 Can I see the book? Wait, that's the Canadian price.
 It's $14.
99.
 Will you let me scan the book? When you scan the book,|do you see the title? - Yes.
|- Then no.
 What do you got there, porn? - You sell porn?|- No! Think I brought my own porn|in here to buy? I don't know what you're doing.
|I just need to scan the books.
 - This should cover it.
|- $100? That's way too much.
 Take it.
 Bag.
 Love! You want it? You can have it.
 And not compromised,|stifled, souI-killing love but open, honest, life-affirming love.
 But how do you get it?|How do you get this love? If I knew that, what would I need you for? It's going to take work.
|It's going to take introspection.
 You're gonna have to learn new things.
 how to be your own best friend how to treat your damaged psyche|with a little kindness how to say, "PaI, you're worth it.
 "You mean something to someone,|and you deserve love.
 " That is the key.
 If you crave love, then you deserve love.
 Say that to yourself.
 "If I crave love, I deserve love.
 " Now, how did that feeI coming out? I'll bet it was hard.
|I'll bet you felt ridiculous.
 Some of you may even have been|incapable of saying it at all.
 - Try again.
|- I'm not incapable.
 I just haven't been hit|in the head with the Oprah stick lately.
 Trust me, my friend, it will get easier.
 UntiI one day, you turn around,|and you are not alone.
 Ready to begin the journey?|It's going to be one hell of a ride.
 Okay, let's go.
|Open up your workbook to Page 1.
 It doesn't get lower than this.
 Dean, we appreciate you|working late all this week.
 I appreciate the extra cash.
 The wire snapped.
 I can fix it.
 - He's like a superhero.
|- He's my super Mr.
 Fix-it man.
 - We'll work on a name.
|- Your tool belt will glow.
 I can't wait.
 What did you think of the onion soup|I made today? - It was good.
|- Good enough for the opening? No, we have to serve your critically acclaimed|zucchini soup for the opening.
 But Jackson has some concerns|about the zucchini crop so I want to have a backup.
 We've got to serve the zucchini soup.
|People are expecting it.
 - The zucchini have got to be there.
|- I'll tell Jackson he has to have them.
 - Dean, come on.
|- Lindsay, I'm working.
 - How shocking.
|- What do you want me to do? We were supposed to go out|with Erika and David tonight.
 - I can't.
|- Why would you say you could? I told you if there was a chance for some|extra hours that I was gonna take it.
 - We never do anything, Dean.
|- We need money! You know that, Lindsay! You are so incredibly selfish.
|You never think about me.
 Never.
 You want a townhouse?|You want a new car? - We need money to pay for these things.
|- I sit at home all day waiting for you.
 You never call during the day|like you always promise you will.
 I'm bored, Dean.
|Don't you care about that? I want to go out with my husband.
|We're married here! - I'll be done in a couple of hours-|- I'm going out with Erika and David.
 Fine.
 Go.
 When will you be home? - When I get home.
|- That's nice, Lindsay.
 That's real nice.
 Whatever, Dean.
 Complete the following sentence.
|I feeI angry because I am listening to this tape.
 I feeI hopefuI because This tape must end eventually.
 I feeI helpIess because I wonder if anyone's ever kicked|an audiotape's ass.
 Hold on.
 - What are you doing here?|- Look how happy he is to see me.
 I just didn't expect it, that's all.
 My brother.
 You remember T.
J.
, right? - I'm still here.
|- How you doing, T.
J.
? Lizzie, I don't know.
 How am I doing? He's doing great|'cause we're getting married.
 - Married? Really?|- We're doing it right here next week.
 That's fast.
 We wanted to do it before the circuit|started, so our friends could come.
 It's gonna be so beautiful.
|Wait till you see.
 - You ever been to a Renaissance wedding?|- No.
 It's great.
|Horses, costumes, really big turkey legs.
 - You're gonna love it.
|- Okay, you gotta slow down here.
 - No way.
 You slow down, you die.
|- When did this happen? Last week.
 T.
J.
 asked me, I said yes,|we made a few phone calls and here we are, grabbing life|by the ping-pongs, as T.
J.
 says.
 There's gonna be a bachelor party.
|My brother's coming down got a couple of friends dropping in.
|It'll be fun! - You have to go.
|- Sure, if you want me to.
 Want you to? Of course I want you to.
|I want you to be my best man, also.
 - You're kidding.
|- Of course I am.
 You'd be 800th on the list.
 But you can come|to the bachelor party if you want.
 - Are you happy for me? Say you are.
|- Sure, I'm happy for you.
 Of course I'll go to your bachelor party.
 Keeping up appearances|that we like each other - very classy for the wedding.
|- T.
J.
, come on.
 I'm going to get some beer.
 Where's he going?|He doesn't know where to go.
 He's got a nose for these things.
|Wait till you see this wedding.
 My God.
 It's unbelievable.
 - I'm wearing a white dress.
|- That is unbelievable.
 Stop it.
 It's about a zillion years old|with flowing sleeves.
 I'm like Vanessa Redgrave in "Camelot.
 " Seriously, I love myself in this dress.
 - Sounds like a good dress.
|- I'm so excited.
 I'm getting married again.
 So how are you gonna do this so quickly? We're gonna have the ceremony|right out there in the square.
 We've got our Renaissance Fair buds|all pitching in.
 We got the Scotch egg guy to cater it and T.
J.
's gonna write the vows.
|You won't have to do a thing.
 - Sure.
|- I swear, everything's taken care of.
 - Carrie's gonna be my maid of honor.
|- Terrific.
 - She's a good friend.
|- To one and all.
 Does Jess know? - He knows.
|- Did he take it well? - Took it like Jess.
|- Meaning? - He's not coming.
|- Why not? - He's young, he's busy.
|- Busy doing what? I don't know.
 It's okay.
|I just thought But it's no biggie.
 - I mean, I got you there, right?|- Yeah.
 Are you gonna dress up? - Absolutely.
|- As a minstrel? Who's the guy who jumps around|in bells and a pointy hat? - The court jester.
|- I will come as a court jester.
 You're a good brother.
 You got any of that|terrible peach pie you make? I'm starving.
 - Hello.
|- Did you bring the Nutter Butters? - I'm fine.
 I missed you, too.
|- We have achieved culinary perfection.
 What's with the carrots? I was afraid you weren't eating right|at school.
 - Marshmallow?|- Thank you.
 Man, I've missed Al's Chinese night.
 He's got a new thing now,|chicken chow mein sandwich.
 What exactly was Grandma's excuse|for canceling Friday night dinner? Dad was traveling and she had a function.
 - It was that generic?|- She put no thought into it.
 It was muffled, but at the end of the call,|I heard a knock - and someone yelling, "Turndown service.
 "|- Living in a hotel.
 - And hiding it.
|- Poor Grandma.
 We should talk to them.
 - "We"?|- You.
 I'm a child.
 Talking is not my parents' thing.
|It would humiliate them if they knew that we knew|that they are whatever they are.
 - So we do nothing?|- We wait until one of them cracks.
 - How many tapes are we watching?|- Every time I started watching something I thought you would like,|I stopped watching it and saved it for when|we could watch it together.
 So I watched the first 10 minutes|of 12 movies.
 Which one are we gonna watch? The absolute funniest|movie known to man: "Fatso.
 " I'm loving the title.
 - Anne Bancroft wrote and directed it.
|- Annie Sullivan, look at you go.
 How's everything at the inn coming along? Everyone's freaking out|because we've got a million things to do.
 But we finally got the pictures up.
|The beds were delivered today.
 I forgot.
 A little bit of gossip.
 - What?|- It's not fun gossip.
 Sookie and I overheard|Dean and Lindsay having a major fight.
 - It was ugly.
|- Really? About what? She was mad because he was|working late to make some extra cash.
 She wanted to go out,|and it got heated and vicious and the whole thing ended|with a "Whatever, Dean.
 " - That sounds bad.
|- It wasn't good.
 - Maybe they'll make up.
|- I hope so.
 Yeah, me, too.
 Fat! - This is the greatest thing I've ever seen.
|- Kiss the Mommy.
 Neighbor, the guys next door|just ran out of crack to sell so they sent me over to borrow a cup.
 Nice place.
|You put those holes there yourself? - What are you doing here?|- Just wanted to see how you were doing.
 - Doing great.
|- You're doing great.
 I'm not doing great,|and I have running water.
 - The place is fine.
|- What happened to "great"? All this and no housewarming gift.
 Sorry.
 I just thought|you were going nowhere with your life.
 Glad I'm wrong.
|Which filthy mattress is yours? Right there.
 Got the good corner,|with a view of the mold.
 Yeah, I won the toss.
|If you don't mind, I've got places to be.
 Let's get down to it.
 Liz told me you weren't coming|to the wedding.
 - No way you're here about that.
|- I am here about that.
 - Why?|- Why? Your mother's getting married - and you're not coming.
|- No biggie.
 I'll just catch the next one.
 - This guy is different.
|- Come on.
 He could be different.
 He seems different.
 I've seen him with Liz.
 They seem to work.
 We need to support this thing|to give it a chance.
 - No, we don't.
|- You are gonna regret this.
 - I doubt it.
|- No, you are.
 If you ever manage to grow up|and get yourself together and drop the selfish, self-destructive|behavior you're so fond of you are gonna look back on this moment and feel like a big steaming mound of crap|that you missed this.
 This could have been a turning point.
 You could have witnessed|something good for your mother.
 Yes, she's screwed up a bit but now she seems to have found|something to make her happy and you'll miss that.
|You refuse to be a part of that then you are gonna be very sorry.
 - What, are you a drug dealer now?|- I'm a messenger.
 I gotta go.
 - It's 4:00.
|- You owe me.
 I was there for you when no one else was,|and I want you there, and you owe me.
 - I gotta go.
|- So do I.
 I'm going first.
 I know what I'm talking about.
 I'm looking for stalks of wheat,|not processed wheat.
 That's putting it another way.
|I need bare-ass stalks.
 Sorry.
 I know you can't eat it like that.
|I just need it for decoration.
 No, I'm not going poofy on you, damn it!|Sorry.
 I just need to know|whether you have it or not.
 No? Okay, whatever.
 Thanks.
 Is there no wheat left in this country?|Isn't Kansas lousy with wheat? I recall Toto running through fields of it.
|Coffee to go, please.
 - Why do you need wheat?|- Liz's wedding.
 - Liz is getting married?|- She and T.
J.
 - Did I know this?|- I guess not.
 In New York? - In the square, a Renaissance thing.
|- Could I be a little more behind? I got sucked in, just like always.
 First day, their cell phone died,|so I let them use the phone.
 Then I offered to make the call|'cause I knew who they were calling.
 I had to pick something up|'cause I couldn't find T.
J.
 to do it.
 I'm hunting down wheat stalks|and looking for local pewter craftsmen.
 Do you know where I can find myrtle? - Did you check the bingo parlor?|- The plant.
 Don't add stuff|from your to-do list to my to-do list.
 - Here's your coffee.
|- Thank you.
 I can't believe|I didn't know about this wedding.
 - I'm caught up on everything, right?|- I'd say so.
 I'm not paying for a motel,|so I'm staying with you.
 Liar! I wasn't sure he was coming.
|I went to see him in New York.
 I needed things picked up in New York.
 Don't add stuff|from your to-do list to my to-do list.
 - Sorry.
|- It's okay.
 I should go.
 Do you know that if|the entire population of China walked by the line would never end because|of the rate of population increase? That's my list.
|Every Chinese person in the world.
 - Scary.
|- Scary.
 - What do you think? Friday night good?|- I'm busy, Glen.
 You're never busy on Friday nights.
|You always eat dinner early and watch TV and go to bed around 10:30.
 You're spying on me? Close your blinds|if you're gonna be so sensitive.
 Hello? Paris, slow down.
 Where are you? Stop saying "the hospital.
 "|There are tons of hospitals.
 Which one? - You're here.
|- I do show up occasionally.
 The place looks the same.
|Is that your dinner? Couldn't book my usual table at Le Cirque.
 I wasn't sure what food I could eat.
 Eat what you like.
|Start with the expired stuff.
 Maybe I'll go out.
 I'm hearing a good buzz|about a chow mein sandwich.
 What's on the playlist these days?|I'm guessing Jethro Tull or Jethro Tull.
 - Just stay away from that.
|- What's with you? Eat my food, use my shower.
|Just don't go poking around my stuff.
 Mr.
 Sensitive.
 - Enjoy your evening.
|- Don't wait up.
 you're a road in need of some repair.
 If your score is between 30 and 40 points then you're a road laden with potholes|and you need a double striping.
 And if your score is 40 or above it's jackhammer time|because your road is impassable.
 - Yikes.
|- Chapter 7.
 Men, a question.
 What is fantasy? The answer.
|Fantasy is the imaginative fulfillment of your heart's desire.
 And one of the most common fantasies|for single men is the fantasy of your ultimate companion.
 Story time.
 I had a friend,|let's call him Phillip who couldn't make up his mind amongst|three different women that he liked.
 I developed a test for him.
 And for you.
 Goody.
 Whose phone calls or visits|are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have|in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you traveI, who would make|your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain,|who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderfuI|happens in your life a promotion at work,|a successfuI refinancing who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face? Excuse me, I'm sorry.
|I'm not sure which floor to go to.
 I've been getting conflicting advice.
|A friend of mine is here but she didn't say exactly where,|so I'm just wondering- Why do I have to say everything twice? I don't want my time wasted that way.
 You don't want your time|wasted that way.
 Lives are dependent on you people|not wasting your time.
 I came here because of your reputation.
|Don't make me destroy it.
 You have to lower your voice.
 That is professor Asher Fleming|of Yale University.
 He's an important man, and you're acting|like you're gonna sell his spleen to UCLA.
 The procedures are the procedures.
 Really? I thought|the procedures were a hat.
 Hit me with some more lame tautology,|Socrates.
 Enough.
 Calm down, take a seat,|and let us continue our work.
 You men, always telling us to calm down.
|Me, Hillary, Martha the second we make a squeak,|you're pushing us onto the fainting couch.
 Asher asked for a moistened towel|20 minutes ago and no one's brought him|a moistened towel.
 This man is an award-winning novelist,|a sought-after lecturer.
 He deserves a moistened towel!|Give me a towel, I'll moisten it myself! Paris, come on.
 Fill me in.
 Stat! Do you not know|what "stat" means? - They say it on all the hospital shows.
|- Paris, what's happening? - It's Asher.
|- What's happening? We were out getting some gelato.
|He dropped his spoon and he started to lean on me|like he was about to fall and he was having these pains.
 - My God.
|- We sat down, and he said he was fine but I got worried|because he looked so pale.
 So I rushed him here to this chop shop|masquerading as a hospital and I can't get anyone to help him.
 This is a really good hospital.
|They know what they're doing.
 They wouldn't let me see him|because I'm not a blood relative.
 He's got two grown kids.
 Where are they? You put food on their table,|a roof over their heads - and this is how they repay you?|- Is it serious? It wasn't a heart attack.
|It was angina or something.
 - I think he's gonna be fine.
 But|- But what? The wobbling, the look on his face,|the angina.
 He's old.
 - What?|- He has pains, he wobbles.
 I spotted him through the curtain|when the doctor came out and he was just lying|on that bed all alone and he had his eyes open|and was just staring at the ceiling.
 - He looked so close to death.
|- He's not that close.
 He's closer than me.
 An anvil could hit you|on the head tomorrow and he could live another 40 years.
 I'm 19.
 I should be rollicking.
|Asher doesn't rollick.
 He probably didn't rollick|when he was younger.
 He's British.
 You should have seen|how he was staring at the ceiling - like he was looking at God.
|- He wasn't.
 You've probably been laughing at me|all these months.
 - No, I haven't.
|- I'm in a hospital.
 I should be at a discotheque.
|Are kids still into that? Let's get you something to drink.
|Let the hospital do their work.
 - He orders old gelato.
|- Old gelato? Vanilla.
 It's a very old flavor.
 - I hate these pillows with a passion.
|- They look good.
 - Good, not great?|- They look great.
 - Great, not fabulous?|- Fabulous.
 - Fabulous, not mondo-fabulous?|- Come on.
 - They look good to me.
|- Good, not great? - Lorelai.
|- Twenty-eight to go.
 Does it bother you that the word|"laundry" is misspelled? No! I proofed these pages a million times.
 That breaks my heart.
|L- A-U-N-D-R-Y.
 That's right.
 - No, it's D-R-I-E.
|- No, laundry: L-A-U-N-D-R-Y.
 - There's no "U.
"|- There's a "U" but no "Y.
" - There's a "Y" but no "I-E," and a "U.
"|- Or a "U.
" There's a "U.
" there's no "I-E.
"|It's a "Y.
" This is giving me a headache.
 Does "consommé" have two "M's"? - Hey, Abbott, just assemble the books.
|- It's getting late.
 How late can you stay, Sookie? As late as you want.
|Davey's with his grandparents and Jackson's sleeping with the zucchini.
 - Is that farm jargon?|- No, he's sleeping with the zucchini.
 - What does that mean?|- It means he's sleeping with the zucchini.
 - Sookie, fill me in here.
 Where's Jackson?|- He checked the weather forecast today and there's a potential cold front|coming in from Canada.
 He knows how important the zucchini is|for opening-day menu- So "sleeping with the zucchini" means He's sleeping with the zucchini.
 She's said it four times.
|You're very slow tonight.
 You said to do whatever it takes|to make sure we have fresh zucchini.
 - Within the realm of reason.
|- Now you add that.
 - Where are you going?|- To the zucchini patch.
 - All of us or|- Michel! - Boys, we have arrived.
|- You said it, brother, my brother.
 - Stomachache?|- I'm fine.
 - Check out the fresh nooks.
|- Nice and fresh.
 - Not your scene?|- Not really.
 Mine neither.
 This is for the guys.
 These days, there's nothing|I'd rather do in the world than spoon with your sister.
 - Stomach again?|- That time, yeah.
 Let's grab seats before they're all taken.
 Lap dance? No, thanks.
 I'm just here|for a bachelor party.
 - That's why I'm here, too.
|- Thanks for the offer, but no, thank you.
 But thank you.
 It was nice.
|Thanks.
 Thank you.
 Thank you.
 Luke, come on.
|You should get a lap dance.
 - I'm fine.
|- Are you gonna stand all night? If I stand, there's no lap to dance on,|everything will be easier.
 That's something there.
 What you just said about your lap.
|The fact is, there is no such thing as a lap.
 Think about it.
|It's there when you're sitting but it's gone when you stand,|so where does it go? It doesn't go anywhere.
|Meaning, it never was.
 So a lap is just an illusion.
 The way his mind works.
 It's something else.
 Where have you been? Bathroom.
 It's best to use it|before the puking starts.
 You left me hanging|with the lords of Flatbush.
 I'm sorry.
 - Aren't you gonna sit?|- He doesn't want to make a lap.
 - A lap is an illusion.
|- What? Don't get him started.
 - I want to talk to you later.
|- I always enjoy a good palaver.
 We'll talk.
 Thanks for the drink.
 I owe you.
 - You don't owe me anything.
|- You can go in now.
 Thank you.
|I think I'm going to go talk to him.
 And have the talk.
 A real talk.
 - Now?|- This can't go on.
 It's too weird.
 - Tonight's been sort of an eye-opener.
|- It's up to you.
 We're supposed to leave|for England in two weeks.
 I shouldn't string him along.
 Now is good, and to do it is good,|for a number of reasons.
 What reasons? I just meant all the reasons|that you already know.
 - Wait for me? Take me home?|- Yeah.
 I'll be right out here.
 - Asher?|- Paris? Come.
 - You needn't have stayed.
|- No.
 I mean, I had the keys.
 Then it was very convenient|that you did stay.
 - Did you ever get your towel?|- Five of them.
 And I'm very grateful.
 Thank you, angel.
 - Yes?|- Are you feeling better? - I'm feeling much better.
|- Good.
 I'm glad.
 You read all these awful stories|in the paper a guy comes in with a stomachache,|and they amputate his foot.
 Come, sit down.
 You know, a hospital seems|a wonderful place to discuss something serious, doesn't it? I guess.
 I want you to know that I'm grateful for every moment|that we've spent together this past year.
 You're wonderful company.
 - I don't think I've said that enough.
|- No.
 You have.
 You know, I've had|other relationships like this.
 - You may have heard talk.
|- I rarely listen to anything anybody says.
 I didn't want you to think|that I was hiding anything.
 - I want to be honest with you.
|- Thank you.
 There's something very unique|about you, Paris quite out of the ordinary.
 A lot of people have said I'm not ordinary.
 You know, I'm going to be|very busy at Oxford.
 I've been writing down all the places that I wanted to take you,|things you should see but I'm afraid there's not enough time.
 So I was thinking of going alone.
 I'd like you to go,|but I don't want you to be bored.
 - You've been writing down places?|- I'd forgotten how many there were.
 So if you want to reassess,|I will completely understand.
 Do you want to reassess? No.
 I don't want to go alone and I don't want to go with anyone else.
 But then I'm selfish.
 I get to be.
 After all, I'm old.
 You're not so old.
 Hi.
 I'm looking for Asher Fleming.
 He's getting dressed.
|He should be out in a minute.
 Thank you.
 He'll be all yours in a minute, girlfriend.
 - Miss Gilmore.
|- Hello, Professor.
 - You ready?|- I'm going to go with Asher.
 We're going to do|more planning for England.
 - But I thought-|- Andrea, what brought you here? Mom called.
 Paris, Rory, this is|my granddaughter, Andrea.
 - Hi.
|- Hi.
 Hey, there.
 It's really nice to meet you.
 I'm gonna be going home now,|because there's no rest for the wicked.
 So I'll see you at home.
 I'll just see you in class there, Asher.
|Professor.
 It's really nice meeting you.
 Bye.
 I love mud, I love wrestling, I love girls.
|This is everything I love.
 In one neat package.
 - Here's our boy.
 You having a good time?|- I'm having a gay old time.
 You read so much,|I'm thinking of nicknaming you Reads.
 - Good one.
|- Tough guy, huh? Your mom has this thought|she hasn't shared with you because she's afraid|you wouldn't be into it.
 She'd like you to walk her down the aisle.
 Usually it's the father that would do that,|but he's worm food.
 - I knew that.
|- So, what do you say? - I don't think so.
|- She really wants you to.
 I really don't want to.
 - I'd like it, too.
|- You, too? - Yeah.
|- I don't think so.
 - It's a short aisle.
 It'll be over in a flash.
|- Get Luke to do it.
 She wants you to do it.
 - I guess we're at a stalemate.
|- I don't think we're at a stalemate.
 Those girls are wallowing around|in slimy dirt and you're looking at me? - I don't want to tell your mom no.
|- I'll tell her.
 - I don't want you telling her either.
|- Want to pitch in for a telegram? - Knock it off!|- Stop! That's it.
 This whole group out.
 Best bachelor party ever! My God.
 I hate nature.
 Jackson! - What are you doing here?|- What are you doing here? I'm sleeping with the zucchini.
|Didn't you tell her? She had a little trouble|grasping that concept.
 I do not want you|to sleep with the zucchini.
 - You said it was important.
|- They are.
 And to keep them safe,|no matter what it takes.
 - And there's a possibility of a cold front.
|- That's why you have heaters.
 The heaters could fail,|so I'm here to service them.
 Technically,|you're sleeping with the heaters? I don't want you to do that either.
 - It's cold.
|- It's warm down here.
 Jackson, I love that you're doing this,|but I also feel like I should call the guys with butterfly nets to come get you|and me and all of us.
 - I'm so sorry, guys.
|- For what? For freaking out|about dumb things like zucchini and not realizing that people would|respond in very loving and nutty ways.
 This is not the way to do this.
 We're too stressed out.
|We're not having fun.
 This whole inn experience is flying by.
 - Tonight, it stops.
|- Sounds good to me.
 It is nice and warm here.
 We each have to drop something|off our list.
 Something big.
 It's the others|who get to pick for the person and the person cannot refuse|a reasonable request - to drop something.
|- Like a game.
 - And we all win.
|- You're dropping the pillows.
 - Okay, the pillows are history.
|- Good.
 Okay, you are dropping|two desserts off the menu.
 - A selection of six is all people need.
|- I'll second that.
 I can live with that.
 Michel, you won't ask for|10 references from each person we hire.
 They are all such imbeciles.
|How else will we know? - We're capping it at three.
|- Five.
 - Four.
|- I guess four's okay.
 - It really is comfortable here.
|- I'm actually relieved about the pillows.
 - You'll do them later.
|- Are you guys seeing these stars? - Beautiful.
|- I haven't looked at the stars in ages.
 That's another rule.
 We all have to|look at the stars more often.
 Done.
 - I'm very comfortable.
|- Me, too.
 Tonight I got into a fight|at a strip club with my nephew.
 A fight.
|I haven't been in a fight since sixth grade.
 Vince Williams called me a doody-head.
|I took it very personally.
 But you know what? Tonight was good.
|Tonight something happened to me.
 I achieved this great sense of calm.
 No more anger, no more frustration.
 Live and let live.
 You are who you are.
 I cannot change that,|and I'm gonna stop trying.
 I wish I'd felt this earlier.
 Then I wouldn't have dragged you|down here.
 I apologize for that.
 But, I mean, if you really|hate your mother that much then you shouldn't be here,|you shouldn't walk her down the aisle and you shouldn't go to her wedding.
 - I don't hate my mother.
|- You don't? Then I don't get it.
|Why weren't you coming, because of me? You hate me that much? I don't hate you.
 - I came here because of you.
|- Stop that.
 - You said it was important to you.
|- I didn't think you were listening.
 So you don't hate your mom,|you don't hate me, so why weren't you coming? No.
 Rory? Still? That's ancient history.
|You haven't seen her in a year.
 I saw her when I was here|a few months ago.
 - I didn't know that.
 What happened?|- Nothing.
 I told her What? I told her I loved her.
 - What did she say?|- Nothing.
 - You said it and walked away?|- I got in my car and left.
 - You dropped the bomb and ran?|- I drove.
 You didn't stick around|to see what she said? - No.
 Obviously, she had nothing to say.
|- How do you know? She could have contacted me anytime|in the last three months, but she didn't.
 - You change your phone number weekly.
|- The ball was in her court.
 Jess, come on.
|You did this completely wrong.
 Open, two-way communication|is the foundation of love and you cut that off.
 I had this friend, let's call him Phillip who thought expressing intimacy|was a favor to his partner but expressions of intimacy|should be given freely and frequently.
 He loved Judy,|but he used his love as a bargaining tool.
 - Who the hell is Judy?|- Phillip's wife.
 We call her Judy.
 - I wasn't bargaining.
|- You were.
 You had expectations out of line with|what you deserved.
 You don't nurture.
 Where are you getting this junk? - Life.
 I've lived.
|- In a Bette Midler movie? I'm just trying to help you out.
 Please.
 You are|the most dysfunctional person I know.
 - Not anymore.
|- Your marriage to Nicole, that was weird.
 - I'm better now.
|- Yeah, right.
 We're just a couple of losers.
 - Things change, my friend.
|- Yeah? Stay tuned.
 You really told her you loved her? - Where are we?|- Michel, wake up.
 Hon, wake up.
 - What happened?|- We slept with the zucchini.
 - We slept with the zucchini?|- We slept with the zucchini.
 I slept good.
 I mean, really good.
 That's the best night's sleep|I've had in weeks.
 - My back was hurting.
 It's perfect now.
|- It's like a magic zucchini patch.
 - How are the zucchini?|- They can't wait to be soup.
 - Luke, hi.
|- Where are you coming from? You know, the zucchini patch.
 It's a long story.
 No, it's short.
|I slept in the zucchini patch.
 What are you doing here? - I wanted to talk to you.
|- Okay.
 I got that wedding coming up and I know you're busy|with your to-do list and all but I think you could use a little break.
 I could use a little break.
 Take a break with me.
|Come to the wedding.
 - It should be fun.
 There'll be turkey legs.
|- Sure.
 - Yes?|- Yes.
 Good.
 Yes, good.
 All right, then.
 I'll meet you at your house.
|We'll walk over together, okay? - Great.
|- I'll see you then.
 - Or before then.
|- Either way is good.
 - Yeah, me, too.
|- And you don't have to wear a fruity outfit.
 - I'm gonna be a little fruity.
|- That's good, too.
 What is it with you? Here.
 I'm done with them.
 Enjoy.
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