# GilmoreGirls-S05E08
# source: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=gilmore-girls&episode=s05e08

- I smell meat.
 Is that meat?|- Why, yes, miss, it is meat.
 He called me "miss.
 "|There's meat and a "miss.
 " I'm happy.
 What's the occasion? Well, I thought we might like some|appetizers with our cocktails tonight.
 - Would we ever.
|- The first batch is ready, sir.
 Wonderful.
 On the table, please.
 - My God, this smells good.
|- I love a good steak on a stick.
 - Me too.
|- We should form a club.
 - Steak-on-a-Stick club.
|- We could have T-shirts made up.
 Grandpa, I've never|seen you wear a T-shirt.
 Well, I've just never found|a proper occasion.
 - To the proper occasion.
|- I'll drink to that.
 I knew I smelled something.
|You're barbecuing.
 - So what?|- So what? The agreement was the girls have|drinks with you and dinner with me.
 We are having drinks.
|Drinks and appetizers.
 Those are not appetizers.
|Those are skewers.
 - Little skewers.
|- Little, tiny skewers.
 - This is not tiny.
|- Mom, that's mine.
 I- This is a main course and a cheap way of cheating me|out of my dinner.
 You are the most paranoid woman|I've ever met.
 I highly doubt that.
 You were the one who designated|the drinks portion of the evening to me.
 - You love drinks.
|- Drinks last one hour at most.
 Then you get the dinner portion,|which can last several hours especially the way you structure things.
 You get more time.
 I should at least be able to serve|appetizers with my drinks.
 Fine.
 I'll leave.
 Have your drinks and your appetizers.
 You two better be hungry|when you get inside or else.
 Or else.
 - Sounds serious.
|- So one more? - Well, two more at the most.
|- Yeah, 'cause she was really mad.
 - Something wrong?|- No, why? Why? - You're not eating.
|- No, I'm eating.
 - You've taken two bites.
|- Two really big bites.
 - Rory's taken none.
|- I did.
 You just missed it.
 - You're full.
|- No.
 He can't stick to a simple agreement.
 He makes deals all the time in business,|but drinks there, dinner here somehow, that's too difficult|for him to manage.
 - He was just-|- He was trying to upstage me.
 He was trying to make his part|of the evening, the fun part.
 He's a child, a spoiled 4-year-old.
 I should take his dump truck away|and send him to bed without supper or, as he calls it, "appetizers.
 " Mom, seriously, we are starving.
|Look.
 Wow.
 - Eat some carrots.
 Eat some carrots.
|- Carrots.
 Delicious.
 Well, if you're both that hungry,|you must want more.
 Olga, good timing.
 The girls are famished.
|Load them up.
 - Lorelai.
|- What? It's not me.
 It's me, Grandma.
 I'm sorry.
 Okay.
 I have to take this.
 I promise I'll be quick.
 Hello? Hi.
 No, now is fine.
 - Who is she talking to?|- How should I know? You're the one who taught her to leave|her phone on at the table.
 That's for safety, Mom in case someone forces her|to eat five chickens and she has to call 911.
 - She's talking to a boy, isn't she?|- I don't know.
 Certainly sounds|like she's talking to a boy.
 - Does she have a new boyfriend?|- Mom.
 - Did she finally meet someone at Yale?|- I don't know.
 Oh, of course you know.
 Because I'm the one who taught her|to leave her cell phone on at the table? - Sorry, Grandma.
 It won't happen again.
|- That's all right.
 - So, who were you talking to?|- Dean, you remember Dean? - The boy who made you the car?|- Yup.
 I didn't know you were still seeing him.
 - Well, we got back together recently.
|- Really? - Well, that's a surprise, isn't it, Lorelai?|- I know.
 I'm floored.
 He's been working crazy shifts lately and I've had so much schoolwork|that we keep missing each other so I told him to call me tonight.
 Well, thank you for telling me.
|I'm just glad I got to hear it from you and didn't have to pick it up|on the street somewhere.
 'Cause you hang out on|the street so often, Mom - you and Melrose Larry Green.
|- So, are you happy with this Dean? - Yes, I am.
|- Well, good.
 Now, eat up.
|We have the fish course coming.
 - The fish course?|- Yes, Olga makes a mean pickled herring.
 Oh, well, what a delightful skill.
 Grandma's mean.
 If it flew, swam, or crawled on this Earth,|we just ate it.
 - I can't breathe.
|- What was that for? - Why'd you tell my mother about Dean?|- What do you mean? I was totally covering for you|with the phone call and then you waltz back in|and just tell her? - My arm is swelling up.
|- You were totally off the hook.
 I was very skillfully covering for you.
|Well, not skillfully but there was a certain aplomb|to my evasiveness.
 I'm not going to lie to Grandma|about Dean.
 Why should I? - 'Cause she's her.
|- Mom, I am with Dean.
 She's already met him.
|Grandpa's already met him.
 What is the problem|besides this permanent welt on my arm? All right, fine.
 You know, I'm actually hungry.
 We need to talk.
 The man at table three wants to send|an orange juice to the woman at table four.
 As long as he's paying.
 If someone who wants to eat|comes in here - I'm outie.
 I got it.
|- Thank you.
 Hey, Lane.
 - Hi, a potential hookup at table four.
|- Oh, wow.
 Diner love.
 "Over easy" takes on|a whole new meaning.
 - Hey, Liz!|- Hey! - I didn't know you were back.
|- Yeah, just cruised in.
 - Well, how are you? How's TJ?|- He's great.
 He's gotten taller.
 - I'm so glad to hear it.
|- So, you and my brother, huh? - Yeah, well|- I'm so jazzed.
 I want private details.
 - Tell her nothing.
|- Really, nothing? Not even about|your Canadian Mountie hat? Liz, you have been sitting there|for over an hour.
 - I know.
 I'm almost done.
|- What're you doing? TJ and I are thinking|about buying a winter place something nice for when the|Renaissance Faire season's over.
 - You're moving to Stars Hollow?|- No.
 Thinking about it.
 There's some great places for sale|around here.
 They're not for sale.
 They've all been sold.
 Plus, there's a few stores around here that are willing to sell|my jewelry on consignment and I'd like a house, you know,|with a fence and a lawn.
 No lawns in Stars Hollow.
|We had them taken out.
 Hey, how much did you pay|for your house? Don't ask her that.
|You can't ask people questions like that.
 - Why not?|- 'Cause you can't.
 Don't tell her how much you paid|for your house.
 - You don't want to live here.
|- Yes, I do.
 - It's too quiet for you.
|- I like quiet.
 You do not like quiet.
|TJ does not like quiet.
 He likes monster trucks and baboons|that get really mad at the zoo.
 That's true.
 He does like that.
 Luke, stop.
 You're gonna like living|so close to your family.
 Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy|living so close to yours.
 - What can I get you?|- Nothing looks good.
 - I'll make you a burger.
|- I don't want a burger.
 Make her your gumbo.
|He makes the most amazing gumbo.
 You make gumbo? - And great Mexican food.
|- Really? Makes his own tortillas.
 Gotta make your own tortillas.
|The ones in the package are crap.
 And garlic soup and paella.
 He was really into lasagna for a while,|got obsessed made hundreds of lasagnas|trying to find the perfect recipe.
 - He wore an apron-|- Okay, Liz, you don't even live here yet.
 Fine.
 I gotta bail, anyhow.
|TJ's meeting me at the realtor's office.
 - Lorelai, it was great seeing you again.
|- You, too.
 Later, bro.
 - You've been holding out on me.
|- What? - Paella, gumbo, Lasagna King.
|- You know, I have many talents, okay? I know.
 I mean, the way you keep that Mountie hat|perfectly balanced the entire time we're- Okay, see,|if you keep making Mountie-hat jokes you're going to eventually believe that|there's an actual Mountie hat.
 Well, I'm very impressed|or at least I would be if I had any proof of these extraordinary cooking skills|of yours.
 Okay, I'm gonna cook you|the most amazing meal of your life.
 This weekend? Stop making the Mountie jokes,|and you're on.
 - Deal.
 Blueberry muffin to go.
|- You got it.
 You're still picturing me in a Mountie hat,|aren't you? - How do I look?|- I'll tell you this weekend.
 You cannot put those flyers in here.
 I'm surprised my mother told you|that you could, but you can't so go stand on a street corner|like I had to do ages 6 through 14.
 Go.
 - What?|- I'm so hungry.
 - What?|- It's flaxseed muffin month.
 Flaxseed muffin in the morning.
|Flaxseed muffin at night.
 I have trouble lifting my toothbrush.
 - Okay, come here.
|- Not fast, please.
 - Sit.
|- She made a lot food with flaxseed.
 It last very long time.
 Here.
 - What are these?|- Fries.
 But, Mrs.
 Kim, she says the fries|are the devil's starchy fingers.
 They're hot and delicious,|and they don't have any flaxseed in them.
 But they are gateway food.
|They lead to harder things: pizza, movie popcorn,|deep-fried Snickers bars Welcome to America.
 So now I've got three days to do this|comparative religions paper and the teaching fellow|who runs our group spends all his time explaining to us how much he disagrees|with the professor and what are you looking at? - That guy over there is staring at me.
|- Which guy? - The one in the Santa Claus red sweater.
|- Professor Prady? He'll hear you.
 You think professor Prady|is looking at you? He's more than looking at me.
|God, this is so annoying.
 Ever since word leaked out|about me and Asher every faculty member over 50|thinks I'm easy.
 - Paris, I don't think Prady's hitting on you.
|- You are so naive.
 He's practically licking his lips.
|You sleep with one old guy and, suddenly,|you're Catherine Zeta-Jones.
 Hello? - Rory, it's your grandmother.
|- Oh, hey, Grandma.
 - Your grandfather is here also.
|- Hello, Rory, how are you? - Fine, Grandpa, and you?|- We're wonderful.
 Thank you for asking.
 Rory, we're sorry to bother you at school but next Friday,|your grandfather and I agreed to host a little Yale alumni event|at our house.
 It completely slipped our minds|the other night.
 So we'll have to cancel our usual|Friday-night dinner.
 Oh.
 That's okay.
 However, we were wondering|if maybe you'd like to come.
 Me? The alumni like to meet|the new generation of Elis and, plus, we'd love to be able to|show you off to all our friends, wouldn't we, Emily? - Yes, we would.
|- You might even make a few connections that could come in handy|somewhere down the road.
 Please, come.
|We'd hate to miss our weekly Rory fix and I promise you|there won't be any chicken.
 Or steak on a stick.
 Well, sure, I'd love to come.
 Wonderful.
 Your grandmother and I|are thrilled.
 Is it fancy? What should I wear? - Oh, just pick out a pretty little dress.
|- And bring that face.
 The face comes with the package.
 And Rory,|I know you usually come at 7:00 but could you make it at 6:00 instead? -6.
00 is fine.
|- We'll see you Friday.
 - See you Friday.
|- What's going on Friday? My grandparents are having a party.
 Oh, damn it.
 Dean Treadwell just came in.
 He's been throwing sex daggers|out of his eyes at me all week.
 - Hello.
|- Good morning.
 - Chili fries.
 Extra cheese and onions.
|- Thank you.
 - Didn't you just say grace?|- Yes, but that was for the soda.
 Kyon, tip: If you pray over|every single separate thing you eat you might never be able to leave the table.
 Breakfast will run into lunch,|which will run into dinner.
 - I'm telling God I'm thankful.
|- He gets it.
 Do a blanket thank you and move on.
 We got free passes|for Tory's band on Saturday.
 - No, seriously?|- Totally seriously.
 All we have to do is carry the equipment,|and we are in.
 Okay, cool.
 You're jazzed.
|I'll tell him it's a go? - It's a total go.
|- You free for dinner tonight? - We'll discuss it when I get home.
|- Okay, bye.
 - Ladies and gentlemen, I am in escrow.
|- You're what? I am in escrow.
|I got the paperwork to prove it.
 - What is he talking about?|- We bought a house.
 - What?|- It's beautiful.
 White.
 But you just started looking.
 I know.
 We bought the first home we saw.
 - Oh, Liz.
|- No, I'm telling you I walked into this place and just felt it.
 - Felt what?|- The vibe.
 That's right.
 She felt the vibe,|and now I'm in escrow.
 Did you at least have an inspector|look at this place? We don't need some guy with a clipboard|to tell us what we already knew which was this white house was for us.
 Please, don't be worried about this.
|The place is great.
 It's on a corner.
 It's got room for a pool.
 It's air-conditioner-ready.
|It's landscaper-ready.
 It's alarm-ready.
 And it's got three bedrooms|if you build on two.
 - It's got a roof, right?|- Of course, it's got a roof.
 And as soon as we replace it,|it won't leak as much.
 - Just be happy, okay?|- Oh, sure.
 That's right, buddy.
|Smile, man, 'cause I'm in escrow.
 Coffee on the house.
|You like that, "on the house"? You're paying for coffee|for the entire diner? What, am I made of money? I'm in escrow.
 Throw in the coffee, buddy.
|We're celebrating.
 I got it.
 You're not really bugged|we're moving here, are you? Does he even know|what "escrow" means? I doubt it, but he's so happy.
 I'm in escrow.
 Give it up, sister.
|I'm in escrow.
 - So, you're off the hook.
|- Off the hook for what? Friday night,|Grandma and Grandpa are having a party for their Yale alumni friends.
 - Really? This is news.
|- So you're free as a bird.
 Wow, Friday night without my mother.
|I don't know if I can deal.
 You might have to come over|and force-feed me pickled herring and tell me what a disappointment I am.
 Hey, you want to go to the movies? - Can't.
 I'm going to the party.
|- What? They asked me to.
 - Okay.
 I can get you out of it.
|- Mom.
 Hold on just a moment.
|Let me formulate a plan.
 I don't need you to formulate a plan.
|I want to go.
 You don't want to go.
|You feel obligated to go.
 - It's very different.
|- Mom, they're giving the party together.
 Oh, I got it.
 Transfer to Harvard.
 - Then you won't be invited.
|- Are you listening? Rory, they're just manipulating you.
 Yes, exactly: them.
|Both of them.
 Together.
 They called me together.
|They were on the speakerphone together which means that they were in the|same room, at the same time, together.
 So what you're saying is|they were together? - Exactly.
|- Whose antennae are up besides mine? - Maybe they made up.
|- They would have told us.
 - They didn't tell us they broke up.
|- But that's because it looked bad.
 They didn't tell people|I was pregnant until my eighth month.
 My mother kept getting|numbers for fat farms from her friends.
 They sounded so happy.
|They sounded like they used to.
 - Are you sure you want to go?|- I'm sure.
 All right.
 Don't let Grandpa|and his cronies make you sing|Whiffenpoof songs all night.
 - I won't.
|- I'm sorry I'm not gonna see you on Friday.
 How about I come by after?|I can stay the night.
 And then you could take me shopping|on Saturday.
 - I'm the lucky girI.
|- Okay, bye.
 Hey, Amir,|where's this month's "Guitar Magazine?" - I wasn't done reading it yet.
|- You buy it, then you read.
 What kind of bogus system is that? It's the bogus system called|"this is a magazine stand "where people come to buy,|not hang out and read for free.
 " It's a long freaking name|for your bogus system, buddy.
 You! You dirty, filthy devil boy!|You will pay for this! You will burn in the hellfire for this! You will swim in the sludge|with Satan's hell dogs and feed them your innards for eternity! Is this about the magazine? She is an innocent girl,|and you are a wild pig of filth! I know.
 I know all you do!|You think you can hide from me that you can carry on your dirty,|filthy schemes without me finding out? - I'm really, really lost right now.
|- I heard about it.
 Kyon told me.
 She told me about your hands on Lane.
 You put your hands on Lane.
 My Lane! And before God, I swear|that you will be punished.
 Because that is what happens|to all swine that walk up tall.
 Okay, so, we have today,|for your dining pleasure a choice of sandwiches,|all fairly fresh, though slightly dented so as to afford me|the 80% employee discount that Taylor throws in with the paycheck.
 He's a heck of a humanitarian, that Taylor.
 We have a battered chicken salad a bruised tuna salad a ham that survived the|creamed-corn assault of 2004 and something gray.
 - Toss that.
|- Got you.
 Well, this is a very nice spread|you've assembled here.
 Well, when you're dating an Ivy League|girl, you have to pull out all the stops.
 - Chip pieces?|- Yes, please.
 - I'm glad we got to do this today.
|- Me, too.
 We haven't been able to see|each other much lately.
 Well we're here now, right? Yeah, right.
 - Hey, did you ever read my story?|- Which story? - The one about the Life and Death Brigade.
|- Yeah, I did.
 - Do you like it?|- I did like it.
 I like everything you write.
 Do you think I painted the picture|interestingly enough? Because I tried to be objective|to a certain extent but it is a feature piece, so I wanted to|have some human spark, you know? - I thought it was good.
|- Nothing specific, though? You're the writer.
|I can't critique these things.
 I just know that I read it|and I was interested.
 Well, that's what counts.
 Okay, so, let's talk about tonight.
 - Let's talk about tonight.
|- Okay.
 I'm going over|to my grandparents' at 6:00.
 I figure I'll go in, make the rounds,|say hello, eat a cheese puff then you can meet me|outside the house at 8:30 and we can hit a movie in Hartford|or something.
 I don't want you ducking out|of your grandparents' party early if it's gonna be a big thing.
 - Don't you want to get together with me?|- You know I do.
 Okay, then.
 No more talk.
|It's settled.
 8:30, out front.
 I'll be the one in the party dress|with jeans in a purse.
 I'll have to take a pretty big purse but desperate times|call for desperate actions.
 - Deal?|- Deal.
 How long have we got? Fourteen minutes|till my lunch break's over.
 Okay, then.
 Cheers.
 - Bonjour.
|- What's all this? This is as close as you're gonna get|to me cleaning up tonight.
 - Hi.
|- Hi.
 Man, something smells crazy good in here.
|Oh, my god.
 What are you making? Lamb-and-artichoke stew,|penne with pesto and potatoes roasted garlic with rosemary focaccia tomatoes stuffed|with bread crumbs and goat cheese and ricotta cheesecake with amaretto cookies|to go with your coffee.
 - You're the perfect man.
|- Thank you.
 I used to think it was Kelsey Grammer - but it's not.
 It's you.
|- Finally, I'm one-upping Grammer.
 - You want some wine?|- Yes, please.
 Okay, so, I brought a little ambience and a little Clooney.
 - George?|- Rosemary.
 Oh, my God.
 This is so great.
 I mean, besides the fact|that it's an evening of you it's also the first Friday|in many, many moons that I'm not at my parents' house and that knowledge is giving me|a really warm, fuzzy feeling right about now.
 Meaning that if, by some chance,|your meal winds up sucking I might not even notice.
 Excellent to know.
 To the warm and fuzzy.
 Perfect.
 Time to add the artichokes.
 It may have choked Artie,|but it ain't gonna choke me.
 - Some "Little Rascals" humor there for you.
|- I know.
 You know? You are the perfect man.
 Just move them so people can navigate|around them comfortably.
 Not that far apart.
 Not that far apart.
 Good Lord, if someone needs|that much room to get around a chair they shouldn't be at a party.
|They should be on a treadmill.
 - Hey, Grandma.
|- Rory.
 Oh, look at you.
 Will you look at her? I said look at her! - Isn't she beautiful?|- Yes, very beautiful.
 I love this dress.
 Very elegant.
 Thanks, Grandma.
|The place looks wonderful.
 There's too much blue.
 It's Yale alumni.
|There can't be too much blue.
 Emily, I noticed the bartenders|weren't planning on using proper martini glasses.
 Well Rory, how lovely you look tonight.
 Doesn't she?|This dress is divine, but you know what? My hairdresser's upstairs|in my bedroom right now.
 Why don't you go on up and have her|do a little something with your hair? - My hair?|- Just for kicks.
 Come on, I'll take you up.
 - Richard, could you-|- I have it all under control.
 Thank you.
 Come on.
 Oh, you're home.
|You want to talk about dinner? Sure, or about how your mom|totally attacked me today.
 - What?|- I'm standing out on the street in broad daylight and, like, out of nowhere, bam,|she was in my face, crazy and screaming.
 Zach, slow down.
 I don't understand.
 She cursed me, Lane.
|What's not to understand? She went on and on|about burning in hellfire and swimming in Satan's sludge|and hell dogs eating me and I gotta tell you, it sounded bad.
 I don't understand.
 Why would she- 'Cause she knows, okay?|She knows everything.
 - She sees everything.
 You know that.
|- She doesn't know everything, Zach.
 She knows about you and me,|and she's sending me to hell for it and I gotta tell you, this is not cool.
|This is not rock 'n' roll.
 - I know.
 I'm sorry.
|- I don't do parents.
 I'm not that guy.
 Nobody brings me home to Mom|for a reason, okay? I'm a total backseat, get-in-the-closet,|jump-out-the-window dude, all the way.
 I just don't understand how she found out.
 I mean, it's not like|she's ever seen us together, or I know who told her.
 I can't do this.
 Crazy, scary, short chick|screaming at me on the street.
 Zach, I'm sorry.
|I promise, it will never happen again.
 - I will take care of it.
|- What about the hellhounds? I will take care of the hellhounds, too.
 'Cause "hellhounds" is a cool band name,|but the positive imagery stops there.
 - I got it.
 It's done.
|- Okay.
 Fine.
 I gotta go walk by a church or something.
 - Hey, this is the same stuff from the diner.
|- Yup.
 You've been pilfering silverware|from the diner? - It's my diner.
|- Yes, but it's wrong.
 You should have boundaries in your life.
|Leave work at work.
 You need a work life and a home life,|and the silverware is your work life.
 I'm so telling Dr.
 Phil on you.
 Luke, you in there? Open up.
 Luke! What the- - You're home.
 Good.
|- Don't come in.
 - She's your sister, Luke.
 Your sister.
|- TJ, this is really not- You know how many people|told me not to get married? They said women make you crazy they burrow into your head,|and you can't get them out.
 Women suck! Oh, hey, Lorelai.
 - How're you doing, TJ?|- I'm assuming you guys had a fight.
 Not just a fight,|a whammo monster of a fight.
 It was like Jake LaMotta and I was that blond chick|he was married to.
 You'll make up.
 Bye.
 I mean, you'd think I took a shot|at the Pope the way she talked to me! I'm sorry I didn't hear|when she asked for the beer and preset station numbers|are there for a reason! Okay, look at the table|and the candles, okay? - This is not a good time.
|- You're telling me? I'm in escrow.
 - Okay, hold on.
 Go stir the sauce.
|- Me? But I can't cook.
 It's not cooking.
 It's stirring.
 No, I'm not good with big spoons|unless there's ice cream on the end.
 Okay.
 TJ, what is this all about? She's crazy, man! She goes nuts, and she yells at me like There's a register that her voice reaches|when she yells that only a freaking dog can hear,|but her face is so twisted and contorted that you know she's hit that register,|and it's amazing.
 It should be on the Discovery Channel,|or something.
 Excuse me.
 How fast am I supposed|to be stirring here? Just keep it from sticking.
 Look, I am really sorry you had a fight,|but you're married now.
 You can't run out every time|you have a disagreement.
 - Now, go on back.
|- I can't go back.
 - TJ.
|- I'm not ready.
 - It's all too fresh!|- It's bubbling and turning brown.
 - It's fine.
|- But what constitutes sticking? You can't ruin it.
 I can.
 I have powers.
 Once, the Barefoot Contessa|was making a soufflé and it fell.
 She looked out the TV and said,|"Gilmore, was that you?" You gotta go, man.
 - Just let me hang out here.
|- No! Just for a little while,|right in here in the corner, very quiet.
 You won't notice me at all.
|Church mouse, buddy.
 - I'm getting carpal tunnel syndrome.
|- I got it.
 He just needs a minute.
 Oh, yes, that's very nice.
 I love the lashes.
 - Grandma, this is really nice, but-|- Just a little more cheeks.
 Shouldn't we be getting down|to the party? Yes, one more minute now.
 Let's see here.
 - This might do it.
|- Grandma, I couldn't.
 Diamond necklaces were invented|to be worn.
 They're doing nobody any good|just sitting in a box.
 - Perfect.
 Do you like it?|- Well, yes, it's beautiful, but- - It needs earrings.
 I agree.
|- No, it's fine on its own, really.
 Your grandfather bought me|these earrings on our first trip to Denmark.
 He swears he bought them off|the ne'er-do-well brother of the King who stole them from the Queen.
 - Have you ever heard such a thing?|- No.
 I have a wonderful idea.
|Have you ever worn a tiara? Well, when I was four.
 - You look like a princess.
|- Grandma, are you sure you want me wearing all this stuff? They must be very expensive,|and if something should happen- Nothing's going to happen,|and, yes, you look exactly the way I want my granddaughter to look|to all our guests.
 - Shall we?|- Okay.
 It's going to be a wonderful evening.
 Everyone, here's Rory.
 You look absolutely royal.
 - It's probably the crown.
|- Emily, you did a fine job.
 Thank you, Richard.
 Rory, I'd like you|to meet Min and Argus Head and their son Andrew.
|Andrew, this is my granddaughter, Rory.
 - Nice to meet you.
|- Nice to meet you, too.
 Andrew will be at Yale law next year.
 - Isn't that wonderful?|- It is, especially if you want to be a lawyer.
 She's a pistol, this one.
 Well, we need to make the rounds.
|You two could talk more later.
 - It was nice to meet you.
|- You, too.
 Rory, we'd like you|to meet Tiana and Chase Anderson and their son, Donnen.
 - It's a pleasure to meet you.
|- You, too.
 Donnen is going to run|his father's shipping business one day.
 Our own Aristotle Onassis|with infinitely better table manners.
 Nothing's written in stone yet.
 We'll see what sort of pension plan|the company has and then Rory's going to be a journalist,|take the world by storm.
 - The two of you should talk later.
|- Definitely.
 - Okay, well-|- Oh, Rory.
 Bunny and Napoleon Barnes,|and their son Kip.
 - Nice to meet you.
|- Oh, hi, Kip.
 It's nice to meet you.
 - Kip is captain of the polo team.
|- Hell of a player.
 Give those Windsor boys|a run for their money.
 William and Harry are good guys,|decent horsemen terrible bridge players.
 Kip, will you excuse us for a minute?|I need to talk to my grandparents.
 It was nice to meet you,|Mr.
 and Mrs.
 Barnes.
 - Make sure you two talk later.
|- Yes, ma'am.
 Yes, Rory? - Are you enjoying the party?|- The party's very nice, Grandma.
 I was just wondering do your alumni friends|have any daughters? Daughters? What do you mean? Well, I was just noticing|that there are a lot of boys here but not that many girls.
 Really? Why, I hadn't noticed.
 - Did you notice, Emily?|- Why, no, I hadn't.
 Well, I will have to pay more attention|to the guest list next time - won't I, Richard?|- Yes, you will.
 I promise you, we will throw another party|just for our friends with girls.
 - But in the meantime-|- The Campbell boy is here.
 Oh, good.
 Let's go.
|Campbell, like the soup.
 Oh, my God.
 This is good.
|I mean, this is seriously good.
 Glad you like it.
 - How you doing, TJ?|- I just need a minute.
 - He said that 35 minutes ago.
|- Well, he's not crying now, so- - I want him to leave.
|- I know.
 He will.
 You sure there's nothing I can do for you? - Just 30 seconds.
 That should do it.
|- Would you like something to eat, TJ? Why are you asking him|if he wants something to eat? He's been sitting there for a half an hour.
|He might be hungry.
 He said 30 seconds.
 You're gonna make|the 30 seconds go longer.
 - TJ, we've got plenty.
|- That's very kind of you, Lorelai.
 I appreciate it,|being in escrow and everything.
 But I don't want to interrupt your evening.
 As soon as I gather myself, I'll be going.
|Ten more minutes? Look, you can go AMG,|but you're still going stock Mercedes.
 Okay, are you seriously knocking|493 horses at 6,100 rpm coming out of a 5.
5 liter, 24-valve V-8? - Okay, let's say you go with the SL55.
|- I'm sorry.
 Would you all excuse me for just a- Yeah, sure.
 So, the SL55.
 Look, at least go aftermarket on its ass.
 For all this? - I told you.
|- You told me what? Whatever is happening at that party|you got roped into tonight, I told you.
 Do you want to hear,|or do you just want to gloat? Well, I'm a multitasker.
 So I get here, and Grandma|immediately whisked me upstairs where her hairdresser|and her makeup artist are waiting to make a new me.
 'Cause the old you is so last season.
 Then I come downstairs|to find that the guests are all Yale friends|of Grandma and Grandpa and their sons.
 - What?|- No girls.
 All boys and me.
 - You're kidding.
|- Nope.
 I feel like I'm being auctioned off.
 - They suck.
 My parents suck.
|- This is a very silly picture.
 They know you're with Dean|'cause, by the way, you told them.
 It's okay.
 I just thought you'd like to know.
 - Do you have a pencil?|- Why? Because there are 12 ways out|of that house that they don't know about.
 Write this down.
 First, the basement.
|It's a little dusty but almost foolproof.
 If you can't get there grab a screwdriver and jimmy|the back of my mother's closet.
 - There's a false back.
|- Mom.
 And if they haven't trimmed the trees yet,|the second guest bathroom window opens out onto the massive elm,|and you could shimmy right down.
 I am not going to shimmy.
|I don't need to sneak out.
 It's fine.
 Dean is picking me up at 8:30.
 - I can manage till then.
|- They played you, kid.
 - Yeah, I know.
|- I hate that they did that.
 Well, it's done.
 Okay, I should go.
 In this crowd, they will definitely|notice me missing.
 I'll see you later.
 - Bye, hon.
|- What's the matter? Nothing a little patricide won't solve.
 Oh, hello, I'd like|to speak to Richard and Emily.
 I'd like to speak to|Richard and Emily Gilmore.
 Is there someone there who speaks|English? I hear English in the background.
 Oh, right there, I heard the word "salmon.
 " Could you pass the phone|to the person who said "salmon"? "Salmon.
 " It's a fish.
 It swims - Is he here?|- Yes.
 Get him out, please.
 - Emily Gilmore.
 "Señora" Emily Gilmore.
|- TJ, come on.
 Let's go.
 - I cannot deal with you right now.
|- You can't just barge in here like this.
 I did not barge.
|Do not accuse me of barging.
 - You are ruining their evening.
|- No, I am not.
 I'm just sitting here.
 I'm not saying anything.
 Okay, will you two|just go downstairs and talk, please? - You are unbelievable, you know that?|- I do, as a matter of fact! I hadn't even come out of the bedroom,|and you'd gone! I wasn't gonna stick around|so you could yell at me.
 Okay, this is enough! The both of you|just have to shut up right now! - I've got neighbors.
|- You don't even have your shoes on.
 - I've got shoes on.
|- You've got my shoes on! Oh, so I guess all that|"what's mine is yours" - was just a bunch of crap, also!|- You know what? I am fed up with you and the drama! I can't take it! My head's gonna explode from all your freaking scenes|and your tantrums.
 - My tantrums?|- I cannot look at you.
 Liz, what are you|You go get her out of there.
 Nope, that's exactly what she wants.
 - Okay, never mind.
 I'll call back.
 Bye.
|- TJ.
 Damn, I had almost gotten|myself together.
 - Now I have to start all over.
|- She's in the bathroom.
 Okay, you go try to calm him down,|and I'll see if I can talk to her.
 You were right.
 Having family near is fun.
 Rory? I'm Jordan.
|Your grandmother sent me over here.
 Apparently, we're made for each other.
 Oh, gee.
 Well, how convenient.
 There's nothing like having your family|playing matchmaker.
 - How old are you?|- Me? I'm almost 20.
 All right, good.
|Just making sure everything's legal.
 - You need a drink?|- No, not a drink.
 Why? Do you get a little crazy|when you drink? - Yes, that's it.
|- I'd like to see that.
 Rory, there you are.
|I've been looking everywhere for you.
 I'm late.
 I'm sorry.
 Don't be mad.
|Logan Huntzberger.
 Jordan Chase.
 Good to meet you.
|Thanks for keeping my girl busy.
 If you hadn't, she would've noticed|exactly how late I am and then she might've left,|and that would've been very, very bad.
 - Excuse me.
 I'm sorry.
 You're with her?|- Going on a year and a half.
 Great, then what the hell am I doing here? Thank you.
 - You looked cornered.
|- I was.
 Well, I'm glad to be of service.
 - Man, I hate these parties.
|- Not really my bag, either.
 But at least the bar is stocked and I must say,|your grandmother has excellent food.
 - Wait, my grandmother?|- Logan, how are you, son? - I'm very well, sir, and yourself?|- I'm fit as a fiddle.
 It's good to see you.
 - Are your parents here?|- Wandering around here somewhere.
 Mom is obsessed|with Emily's new draperies.
 Yes, Emily has exquisite taste in fabrics.
 All right, Rory,|since I see that you are in capable hands I will make another round|and end up at the bar.
 - It's been good to see you, Richard.
|- Good to see you, Logan.
 You know my grandparents.
 My folks are good friends|with Richard and Emily.
 Okay, so, lesson one|in coping with painfully boring parties: - Form a sub-party.
|- Where are you going? - Finn!|- Finn's here? Finn! - You rang?|- Time for a change of venue.
 Oh, fantastic.
 Do I know you? - Is my mother here?|- No, she's at Mrs.
 Cho's house.
 Mrs.
 Cho thinks that she lost her faith,|and Mrs.
 Kim went to give it back to her.
 Good.
 Why did you rat me out|to my mother? - Rat you out?|- You told her about Zach.
 - The boy you hugged?|- Yes, you told her.
 I'm just a little mystified|as to, well, why you would do that.
 - Mrs.
 Kim has taken me in.
|- No, I took you in.
 You came to me starving,|and I gave you fries.
 - You did like the fries, right?|- Very, very much.
 Okay, so, that is what we call here|in America a bonding thing.
 I gave you the fries and you are not supposed to tell on me|to my mother.
 - But what am I supposed to do?|- Nothing.
 You say nothing and do nothing.
 - But she would know.
|- She would know what? She would know I lie.
 She would know I'm ungrateful|and I keep a secret from her.
 - How would she know?|- She know.
 - No, she no know.
 She's not magic.
|- Yes, she is.
 She read thoughts and hand gestures.
 Come here.
 If you want, I can help you.
 Help me? What do you do every Sunday|between noon and 4:00? - I study.
|- And then? And then I wait for Mrs.
 Kim to get home from her Crochet for Christ group|with her sister.
 Okay, and what do you do|while you're waiting? Nothing.
 I sit quietly.
 Okay.
 Now, wouldn't you rather,|let's say, watch some television while you're waiting|for my mother to get home? - I cannot.
|- Why? Mrs.
 Kim does not want me|to watch the television.
 - And how would she know?|- Because there's a little machine in the television set - that will tell her what I watch.
|- Ha! - What, "ha"?|- That machine does not exist.
 - It does not?|- Nope.
 Took me 15 years to figure it out,|but that's the truth.
 So, she cannot know? She also cannot smell fast food on you,|even after you've showered.
 - She can't?|- And she can't tell how many times|you've opened your Bible - by staring at your palm.
|- My head spins.
 You don't have to hand out|all of those religious flyers she gives you.
 Just post enough of them|around her regular route home - and she'll think the job is done.
|- I think I need lie down.
 It's a whole new world, Kyon a world I fought long and hard|to figure out and I'm willing|to pass all my knowledge on to you.
 So, I can eat fries, watch TV if I get home early|from not giving out my flyers? I wouldn't bring the fries into the house.
|She has a really good nose.
 But you're thinking big.
 And I respect that.
 I can watch the TV.
 Stick with me, kid and I'll have you wearing|lip gloss within a month.
 Why don't you just talk to me? Emily and Richard Gilmore.
 Oh, come on.
 I know you speak English.
|I heard you yell "salmon" earlier.
 My mother put you up to this.
 Fine.
 - What are they doing in there?|- Fighting? And how long can you fight|in an 8 by 10 room? Well, maybe they're not fighting.
|Maybe they're having angry make-up sex.
 Oh, that makes me feel much better.
|Thank you.
 - Sorry about dinner.
|- Dinner was great.
 It was delicious and interactive.
 How about this? How about this? Okay, I don't know how long|this is gonna continue.
 We could set fire to the place.
|Smoke them out.
 Listen, you don't have to sit here.
|I'll deal with this.
 You go home.
 - You sure?|- Yup.
 They are my family.
 Yippee.
 I'll deal with it.
 You take this and go home and we will try again tomorrow.
 Wow.
 My own cheesecake? No man's ever given me|a whole cheesecake before.
 You remember that.
 Hey, maybe when I get home,|I'll stir something seeing as I'm so good at it.
 Thanks for dinner.
 Thank you for not being related to me.
 - That came out wrong.
|- No, I got it.
 - Good night.
|- Night.
 Preset station numbers|are there for a reason! Gilmore, your grandfather|has appalling taste in scotch.
 I think you should go on inside|and tell him.
 If he hasn't learned by now,|I certainly can't teach him.
 Colin, make sure you refill|that bottle with something.
 - Don't want Ace over here to get busted.
|- I know.
 I know.
 - Refill?|- Sure.
 Why not? Because drinking is bad.
 It's very, very bad,|and we're bad for doing it.
 Spank me.
 I think the hangover tomorrow|will be punishment enough.
 She hasn't had enough champagne, Logan.
 Hey, listen, I forgot to tell you,|I read the article.
 - You did?|- Yup, not bad.
 Thank you.
 You caught the spirit of the thing.
|I'll give you that.
 - But-|- No, no buts.
 You got a good style.
 There were a few too many similes in it|for my taste but it definitely had a little Joseph|Mitchell thing going for it.
 I liked it.
 I'm surprised you even bothered to read it.
 Are you? - So, who's it gonna be?|- What? Well, this shindig's|an obvious meat market.
 I got the feeling your grandparents|are expecting you to choose someone tonight, so Oh, well Me.
 Pick me.
 - No, pick me.
|- Pick me.
 - But I'm exotic.
|- So is the Asian bird flu.
 Wow.
 A roomful of guys|and still extremely slim pickings.
 Well, I don't know.
|It's a pretty tough choice.
 Maybe I should let my boyfriend|help me choose.
 - You have a boyfriend?|- I'm crushed.
 Ain't it always the way? - Do Richard and Emily know about this?|- Yeah, they do.
 They're just trying to make sure|you got backup? No, they're just Oh, no.
 What time is it? - It's crying time.
|-8:45.
 Dean is meeting me at 8:30.
 - Where?|- Here.
 Out front.
 - Dean.
 Is this the boyfriend?|- Yes, it's the boyfriend.
 - Well, we gotta see this guy.
|- What? See who the man is who's won your heart,|gotta make sure he's good enough.
 - But-|- Let's go, boys.
 You're the brother.
 Coming? Yeah! Dean, hi.
 I'm sorry.
|Have you been waiting long? I didn't have a watch,|and we were in the pool house.
 These are some friends.
|They go to Yale with me and they know my grandparents.
 The party was so boring, so we Is that a new shirt? 'Cause I like it.
 What am I doing here, Rory? You're picking me up.
 I don't belong here.
 Not anymore do I? Dean.
 You look good.
 You'll be okay.
 No, I won't.
 Okay, that's it.
|Back to the pool house, men.
 We have some serious bucking up|to do here.
 - I swiped some scotch.
|- I'll reenact "The Passion of the Christ.
 " Come on, Ace.
 Nothing ever seems quite as bad|after Finn's "Passion of the Christ " except Finn's "Passion of the Christ.
 " Dude's got a little bit of a spanking thing! - Gilmore residence.
|- Hello? Oh, you speak English.
 Thank God.
|Is Emily Gilmore there, please? It's for you, Mrs.
 Gilmore.
 - Hello?|- Hi, Mom, it's me.
 Well, hello, Lorelai.
 How are you? I'm fine.
|Can I talk to you and Dad for a minute? - Your father's paying the caterers.
|- Well, this will just take a minute.
 Could you maybe go in the study|on the speakerphone - seriously, just one minute?|- All right, hold on.
 All right, we're both here.
 - Hello, Lorelai.
 What can we do for you?|- I just wanted to touch base with you about this little party|you threw for Rory tonight.
 The party was not for Rory.
|It was for our Yale alumni.
 Oh, it was not.
|It was a trick, and you know it and I know it,|so let's just know it together.
 - What do you want, Lorelai?|- You lied to your granddaughter tonight.
 You lied to a kid who trusted you.
|You tricked her.
 - It was a party.
|- It was a mating ritual.
 - What are you talking about?|- All boys, Mom? Seriously? What is that all about? It's good for her to interact with her peers.
 Lorelai, Rory is in a new phase|of her life now and she needs to be exposed|to different things different people.
|That's all we were trying to do.
 - She has a boyfriend.
|- Oh, so what? So she has a boyfriend which means|she doesn't need another one.
 She's 20 years old, Lorelai.
 She is not going to be|with that boy forever.
 That's right,|and when she's ready to move on she'll have met some nice young man who will represent|the new phase in her life.
 I am sure|that Dean is a very nice young man but he is certainly not good enough|for Rory.
 - That's right.
|- Now she is young but young people need guidance and since you seem so little help|in this department we have to step in.
 Well, step on out again|because this is none of your business.
 Lorelai, I am tired.
 And the caterers have caked the floor|with something sticky and I don't have time for this.
 We want more for her, period.
 Now, obviously, it's too late for you,|but it is not too late for Rory.
 And we are going to make sure|she has the life she deserves.
 It doesn't matter what you think of me.
|Rory will choose her own path in life and there's nothing|either one of you can do about it.
 - I'm hanging up.
|- Well, me, too.
 Did you listen to him at all?|Did you hear a word he said? Whoa, hey! So you need some help there? Bye.
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